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The other day I was getting ready to meet two of my oldest school friends to see The Smashing Pumpkins, a band we had loved as teenagers. Back then, this would have been the most important thing in our week, our month, our school term – endlessly discussing what outfit to wear and what time to meet up (many, many hours before the actual gig), but adulthood being comprised of a thousand other responsibilities, there were a number of other things to get done in the day.
As I started to ‘work backwards’ from the time I was due to leave the house in order to figure out how much time I wanted to get ready – a minimum of an hour and a half - I realised with a jolt how much this has changed over the years, and how it’s a testament to how much I have reframed my sense of busyness. Note how I use the word ‘wanted’ rather than ‘needed’ – if I needed, I could have gotten ready in 15 minutes – this was much bigger than necessity.
I come from a long line of ‘people who get ready inhumanly quickly’. My mother is at the top of this pyramid, and I remember how quickly she’d go from showering to being fully dressed and ready to go. My sister is the same, as am I.
When I was at school, in order to maximise the amount of sleep, I managed to get my morning routine down to 15 minutes from waking up to being out of the door. Admittedly I didn’t eat breakfast back then – it was a time of day I had no appetite for, and loathed breakfast foods - which has since changed, but it was speedy and still involved a shower versus a quick refresh with Impulse body spray.
When I then moved into the wider pools of co-habiting with women at university and going on holiday with female friends, it boggled the mind how long some of them would take to get ready. Whether it was a 20 to 30-minute shower (what the fuck are you doing in there, I wanted to ask, but couldn’t, for fear of seeming like a weirdo), or spending literal hours on makeup – I couldn’t fathom spending that amount of time on myself. There were times, especially on holiday, where I would lie on the bed bored out of my brain waiting for a friend to achieve the perfect eyeliner.
Nowadays of course, I would simply leave and go and do some sightseeing, or have a drink at the bar, or in more extreme cases probably avoid going on holiday with them, but back then that wasn’t in the spirit of sisterhood.
When I started working in an office, although more effort was required in terms of physical appearance, I still had my morning routine down in 30 minutes, right up until I left corporate life. When I think about that part of my life, it is like watching it on fast forward. Busy busy busy, all the time. Rushing, never thinking about what was happening, only looking ahead to what would be happening.
Part of that was being on the corporate timeline, having other people ask me questions all the time, grabbing for any free moments with can we have a quick chat. And even if I had time to myself, I was so lost in the cult of being busy, that I felt guilty if I wasn’t doing something all the time. I felt as if I needed to justify my worth through my output, therefore, by extension, the idea that I could turn getting ready into some sort of languorous act, felt almost obscene.
When I went freelance, this sense of busyness didn’t ease off, it actually ramped up. Without a sense of structure, I worked all the time and felt that if I didn’t, my business would fail. This would bleed into my personal life, and I’d rush to meet friends. If these friends turned up late (which was often), I felt a sense of rage, that I had hurried to get ready and turn up on time, and it had all been for nothing.
Then came the pandemic, which changed everything. There was nowhere to rush to, nothing to do, and the world ground to a halt. A reset button of sorts was pressed, and in that stagnant stillness, something changed.
When things started opening up again, I subconsciously decided to do things differently. It wasn’t a definitive choice, rather the sense that everything didn’t need to take place as quickly as possible. I slowed down the whole process.
Applying skincare after my shower, scented body lotion. I still can’t bear spending too long on makeup because I find it boring, but I’d take my time rather than hurrying it along. I’d make a cup of tea, then perhaps another. Figure out what to wear, which bag to take, what comfort level I wanted from my footwear. These were things I could have chosen to do quickly, but instead chose to do slowly.
Being able to get ready in this way meant that if my train was delayed, or a friend was running late – I had the mental capacity to absorb it rather than constantly feeling as if I was at the edge of everything. And in time, it coalesced into a feeling, a sense of ease that I would bring into whatever work meeting or social gathering I was attending.
The other day, I was being interviewed for a podcast and the woman I was talking to said I seemed very calm and centred. If only, I told her, you had met me a few years ago. I was known for being anxious, frantic and stressed. All the time. It was something my friends knew before I did. Once, when I was running late to meet a friend, I apologised but was calm and confessed that I’d wanted a bit longer to get ready. He said: “That’s a good thing for you, don’t worry.”
I’ve wondered if this is something that disproportionately affects women. Nicola Jane Hobbs who runs an amazing account called The Relaxed Woman and offers coaching, tackles this concept that she has never met a woman who is relaxed, and who doesn’t feel guilty for slowing down. For me, it’s less about slowing down my overall pace, and it’s more about being able to a) take the time to work in slower parts of the day and b) recognise it isn’t a frivolous thing.
Of course, it’s not always possible to be this time-rich while getting ready. There are days when it is impossible due to time constraints or people asking me for things. But, on the days when I see the opportunity, I take it because it feeds into the overall reserve I have around dealing with things when they don’t go to plan.
I also see what it is like for people who are at the edges of their reserves, and see my former self in them. The people who are always rushing, always having to justify their time, are also the ones who are most fragile and likely to disassemble when things go wrong. And, because there is no capacity or give, are prone to turning something that is a minor inconvenience into a catastrophe.
The more I read about how much stress impacts the body and how it is the number one reason for sick leave, the more it seems evident that reducing our sense of busyness is a key part of how we manage our stress. It doesn’t mean that we can’t or shouldn’t have full lives, or lives that have a lot of multi-dimensional challenges. It’s more about asking ourselves: are we able to recognise and seize moments of stillness?
I know that I was unable to do so, and now I am. And that often, these moments can be found in some of the most mundane things, such as getting ready, but can have an extraordinary effect on the way we operate and carry ourselves.
In one of those stupid corporate gig events where we would say affirming crap to each other, one of my coworkers actually changed my life. He said, "You perception of yourself is one of "I have never done enough". The reality is you outperform all the rest of us hands down by noon. Maybe scale back to good enough, or maybe, just enough period.". I felt seen and known and found out all at the same time. Raised on the "excellence" mentality, if I wasn't doing the best, I wasn't doing at all.
When I evaluated over and over in my head, realized I had neglected my health, my spiritual life, my emotional life all in order to be "excellent". The world does not end if I, Trisha, do not complete my appointed task.
Firstly, hope you loved the gig (writing this as I get ready to see Royal Blood tonight), Billy & Co are incredible live! Secondly, I admire the speed in which you can get ready. I usually like to take time and it is a privilege as I am child- free and only responsible for my own time and not others’. My morning routine, shaped before pandemic, helped me loads during lockdowns and after our lives went back to ‘normal’, I kept it with very few alterations. So, in addition to usual shower/ getting dressed and light make up, I kept my morning meditation, breakfast and big mug of coffee with 10min on Duolingo. And if I occasionally need to drop anything, it is a make up routine 😉