I'm so glad you've written about this, Poorna. I adore my grandchildren of course, but I was never really the maternal type. At 22, with raw wounds from SA as a child, I had my first child, unplanned. A second child, planned, 5 years later (as a misguided decision around not inflicting 'only child' upbringing to my son). Ironically, the siblings do not speak now. So, in summary, I've had lots of therapy, I've worked hard on healing my own mother wounds (as a mother and daughter), I do help out when I can, but I refuse to be guilt tripped into being a more hands-on granny. After becoming sober at 58 my decades of unhappiness became transparent to me. The roles I had adopted of wife, mum, gran, housekeeper, nurse, therapist, financial planner, cook, event co-ordinator, cleaner, full-time probation officer etc had all taken their toll on me. I now realise I have my own life to lead, travelling to do, spiritual growth to explore, and at 63 I am aware that this is probably the decade in which I want to accelerate exploration of the missed opportunities of my previous 4 decades! Yours, guilt-free, and liberated, Carolyn x
From speaking to other parents with disengaged grandparents, one of the issues is that you feel slightly abandoned by your own parents at one of the most difficult times of your life. I completely understand it’s not their responsibility but I’m jealous of the grandparents who are keen to help their own kids out and love spending time with their grandkids. My mother in law has never spent time with my kids alone or helped at all. My own parents help every couple of months- usually to support long school holidays. Funnily enough my dad is much more active and takes the kids out regularly and will offer to help much more than my mum
Yes, I see this with my friends who have grandchildren - from the ones who accept and enjoy their one or two days a week they have with their grandchildren to others who say 'don't expect me to be a free babysitter.' As someone who doesn't have grandchildren, and doesn't expect to be a grandma for a while, if ever, what irks me is more the assumption that at 65, I must be a grandma. Several times I've been referred to as a grandma in the press, and it's one of the many ways that women, no matter what our age, are often thought as in terms of our biological ability to reproduce (or not). Rarely do you ever read a story about an older man that starts with 'Grandpa, 65...' but that's another topic entirely.
Oh Poorna, this is such an important subject and one that so few are willing to explore. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this piece.
It is such a complex topic, often wrapped up within so much unconscious internalised patriarchy and the 'should's' and expectations of/from all women. As a grandmother myself, I love my role AND find it exhausting at times. I notice how one of my daughters who has done very little healing on her own mother wound, has very high expectations of me as a grandmother, and any boundary setting on my part, triggers her old wounds around my historical abandonment and rejection of her. Whenever I am with my grandchildren with her present, it feels like she becomes jealous that they are receiving from me, what I could not give her as a mother, way back when. But because she is unwilling to discuss it or work on it, very little healing is possible.
There is so much more I could say but I think you have inspired me to write my own substack about this. So just thank you. And I look forward to meeting you at the Happy Place festival as we are both there speaking on the same day.
Thank you so much for this Donna and really appreciate your insight. Also you have jogged a memory in me which is that it is hard to see my mum sometimes be so soft with the grandchildren because that wasn’t really our upbringing. Thankfully I have had therapy 😂 and so I can be compassionate for my mother who was trying to do her best but… my inner child found it hard at times, I must say ❤️
Thank you for naming this Poorna. I had a realisation while reading it, of how little I saw my own grandmothers as three-dimensional humans, and how much they existed purely as a grandmother archetype in my mind. Since they both died, I have had a lot more curiosity about their lives, but I never really thought to ask those questions, even though I was in my 30s by the time they both passed. It's very sad that we reduce women to such one-dimensional aspects of who they are. This piece has given me pause for thought.
Maybe my situation is unusual as I became a grandma at 41 and a great grandma at 68. My grandson who is 26 and the father of my great grandson loves to tell the story that he used to help me manage my running club when he was a teenager (I was a fitness instructor and personal trainer) whilst his friends grandma's were more 'traditional'. My grandchildren range in age from 28 to 7 years old and although I was very involved with the older ones (through choice + I was very fit then) I'm now living much more of my own life. At 61, we sold our house and had a narrow boat built which we now live on and my grandchildren enjoy the fact their grandma is 'living her best life'. I love spending time with them all, but as I was also a mum at 19, now is my time.
This is such an important conversation to have. I am a gramma and very involved. I have basically coparented from the get go. My daughter is a single parent and has been from the very beginning. I remember how alone I was as a single parent so I have helped as much as I could. Often to my own detriment. I was drowning in expectations.
Between parenting and then becoming a grandparent, my self stayed lost. I simply didn't have one. It took my body fully breaking for me to realize something had to change. I figured out how to do both. Be an involved grandparent and find myself. It's been tricky and has had bumps but I would say I am now balancing it well.
I think that ability to balance comes from privilege though. Not everyone has access. I didn't for a long time and can see how financial comfort is everything when dealing with these types of stresses. I have access now to excellent benefits that allow me care for my body and mind, I have access to financial means that allow me to do things that give me a self (and to be able to afford to include my grand in these activities), and I have a job with flexibility that allows me to be present as a grandparent.
I do also think healing my trauma has allowed me to see things so much more clearly. She is only little for so long. This sacrifice is highly worth it.
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story! Completely agree around privilege and access - not everyone has a village, and it’s hard to do self-advocacy when the roadmap is unclear or being written
I never wanted to have kids. When I told my mom this, she said good, because they weren’t going to watch them! She was never really the mothering type.
I think there’s also a myth that all women are just waiting to be grandmothers— sorry, not true. I love my two adult children deeply. I’m proud of the people they’ve become and hope I had an influence in that. Neither will ever have children. That’s okay with me, no sorrow or regret here. Having children or not is their choice, not mine. I’m not less because of it.
I grew up hearing my Mum's mantra, your children are your responsibility, you bring them up and whilst I wished she'd been around more to help, when she was with us, there was never any expectations that she was anything other than Grandma and on her terms. I now obviously have the same mantra if and when the time comes ✨️
"The things underpinning this myth range from what a grandmother looks like to what she is capable of – which often looks like frailty and dressing in a particular way. Red Riding Hood’s bedridden grandmother was one of the strongest archetypes embedded into us from a young age. Stereotypes include: baking cookies, knitting, being terrible with technology." I run into this often when I am out and about. Purchasing a new laptop? (Older model couldn't handle the AI playground I'm learning and extensive research I was doing) "Okay, honey, let me show you how this works [mansplain]." UM. I am technologically competent enough to work here, people. And did, for a couple of years. You don't want my cookies. I'm not a baker. And heck wearing LOL (Little Old Lady) clothing. I will not perform "elderliness" for you. But I will love you endlessly. Isn't that enough?
Having grandparents to rely upon is crucial and even more so if you’re a single parent. It’s not about the parties and the travel but about emergencies and having a little extra support. Like the lady who said to her three daughters it’s about being able to afford and support without the expectation of the grandparents’ support. No matter what we say, each family has its own needs and rules. In some cultures this is the expectation. But if something doesn’t work you need to be able to say it. Coming from s relatively small family it’s important to be close and spend time with grandparents. I know my dad isn’t able to babysit on his own. It’s creating chaos within chaos. My mum is another story. She does it hands down no issue. But it’s never a seamless process. I have a friend whose mum would look after the children two hours a week in the afternoon. No meals and no overnights. Your article raises questions that if you’re unable to see the perspective of both sides, it seems selfish. But your mum is right. 😁there needs to be an agreement between parent and grandparents.
I'm so glad you've written about this, Poorna. I adore my grandchildren of course, but I was never really the maternal type. At 22, with raw wounds from SA as a child, I had my first child, unplanned. A second child, planned, 5 years later (as a misguided decision around not inflicting 'only child' upbringing to my son). Ironically, the siblings do not speak now. So, in summary, I've had lots of therapy, I've worked hard on healing my own mother wounds (as a mother and daughter), I do help out when I can, but I refuse to be guilt tripped into being a more hands-on granny. After becoming sober at 58 my decades of unhappiness became transparent to me. The roles I had adopted of wife, mum, gran, housekeeper, nurse, therapist, financial planner, cook, event co-ordinator, cleaner, full-time probation officer etc had all taken their toll on me. I now realise I have my own life to lead, travelling to do, spiritual growth to explore, and at 63 I am aware that this is probably the decade in which I want to accelerate exploration of the missed opportunities of my previous 4 decades! Yours, guilt-free, and liberated, Carolyn x
From speaking to other parents with disengaged grandparents, one of the issues is that you feel slightly abandoned by your own parents at one of the most difficult times of your life. I completely understand it’s not their responsibility but I’m jealous of the grandparents who are keen to help their own kids out and love spending time with their grandkids. My mother in law has never spent time with my kids alone or helped at all. My own parents help every couple of months- usually to support long school holidays. Funnily enough my dad is much more active and takes the kids out regularly and will offer to help much more than my mum
Yes, I see this with my friends who have grandchildren - from the ones who accept and enjoy their one or two days a week they have with their grandchildren to others who say 'don't expect me to be a free babysitter.' As someone who doesn't have grandchildren, and doesn't expect to be a grandma for a while, if ever, what irks me is more the assumption that at 65, I must be a grandma. Several times I've been referred to as a grandma in the press, and it's one of the many ways that women, no matter what our age, are often thought as in terms of our biological ability to reproduce (or not). Rarely do you ever read a story about an older man that starts with 'Grandpa, 65...' but that's another topic entirely.
This is a fascinating insight Suzanne - I’m ashamed to say it hadn’t even occurred to me but of course that makes sense and how hugely frustrating.
Oh Poorna, this is such an important subject and one that so few are willing to explore. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this piece.
It is such a complex topic, often wrapped up within so much unconscious internalised patriarchy and the 'should's' and expectations of/from all women. As a grandmother myself, I love my role AND find it exhausting at times. I notice how one of my daughters who has done very little healing on her own mother wound, has very high expectations of me as a grandmother, and any boundary setting on my part, triggers her old wounds around my historical abandonment and rejection of her. Whenever I am with my grandchildren with her present, it feels like she becomes jealous that they are receiving from me, what I could not give her as a mother, way back when. But because she is unwilling to discuss it or work on it, very little healing is possible.
There is so much more I could say but I think you have inspired me to write my own substack about this. So just thank you. And I look forward to meeting you at the Happy Place festival as we are both there speaking on the same day.
Your words are a true gift. XXX
Thank you so much for this Donna and really appreciate your insight. Also you have jogged a memory in me which is that it is hard to see my mum sometimes be so soft with the grandchildren because that wasn’t really our upbringing. Thankfully I have had therapy 😂 and so I can be compassionate for my mother who was trying to do her best but… my inner child found it hard at times, I must say ❤️
Thank heavens for therapy! 😂👌🏾❤️
Thank you for naming this Poorna. I had a realisation while reading it, of how little I saw my own grandmothers as three-dimensional humans, and how much they existed purely as a grandmother archetype in my mind. Since they both died, I have had a lot more curiosity about their lives, but I never really thought to ask those questions, even though I was in my 30s by the time they both passed. It's very sad that we reduce women to such one-dimensional aspects of who they are. This piece has given me pause for thought.
I found it so confronting tbh! And time I won’t get back with my grandmothers as they’ve both been long dead for 20+ years
Maybe my situation is unusual as I became a grandma at 41 and a great grandma at 68. My grandson who is 26 and the father of my great grandson loves to tell the story that he used to help me manage my running club when he was a teenager (I was a fitness instructor and personal trainer) whilst his friends grandma's were more 'traditional'. My grandchildren range in age from 28 to 7 years old and although I was very involved with the older ones (through choice + I was very fit then) I'm now living much more of my own life. At 61, we sold our house and had a narrow boat built which we now live on and my grandchildren enjoy the fact their grandma is 'living her best life'. I love spending time with them all, but as I was also a mum at 19, now is my time.
Karen
This is such an important conversation to have. I am a gramma and very involved. I have basically coparented from the get go. My daughter is a single parent and has been from the very beginning. I remember how alone I was as a single parent so I have helped as much as I could. Often to my own detriment. I was drowning in expectations.
Between parenting and then becoming a grandparent, my self stayed lost. I simply didn't have one. It took my body fully breaking for me to realize something had to change. I figured out how to do both. Be an involved grandparent and find myself. It's been tricky and has had bumps but I would say I am now balancing it well.
I think that ability to balance comes from privilege though. Not everyone has access. I didn't for a long time and can see how financial comfort is everything when dealing with these types of stresses. I have access now to excellent benefits that allow me care for my body and mind, I have access to financial means that allow me to do things that give me a self (and to be able to afford to include my grand in these activities), and I have a job with flexibility that allows me to be present as a grandparent.
I do also think healing my trauma has allowed me to see things so much more clearly. She is only little for so long. This sacrifice is highly worth it.
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story! Completely agree around privilege and access - not everyone has a village, and it’s hard to do self-advocacy when the roadmap is unclear or being written
One need only type grandmother and see the emoji that pops up to realize the myth is pervasive!
I never wanted to have kids. When I told my mom this, she said good, because they weren’t going to watch them! She was never really the mothering type.
I wish your book was available in Colombia , Canada and the United States where I spend my life!
New title. Same job.
Just with better PR.
And the same expectations underneath.
Still assumed. Still unpaid. Still invisible.
And still the one with nothing in her own name when it ends.
I think there’s also a myth that all women are just waiting to be grandmothers— sorry, not true. I love my two adult children deeply. I’m proud of the people they’ve become and hope I had an influence in that. Neither will ever have children. That’s okay with me, no sorrow or regret here. Having children or not is their choice, not mine. I’m not less because of it.
I see women all around me who have lost themselves entirely to motherhood and grandmotherhood. It breaks my heart. Brilliant piece as ever.
I grew up hearing my Mum's mantra, your children are your responsibility, you bring them up and whilst I wished she'd been around more to help, when she was with us, there was never any expectations that she was anything other than Grandma and on her terms. I now obviously have the same mantra if and when the time comes ✨️
"The things underpinning this myth range from what a grandmother looks like to what she is capable of – which often looks like frailty and dressing in a particular way. Red Riding Hood’s bedridden grandmother was one of the strongest archetypes embedded into us from a young age. Stereotypes include: baking cookies, knitting, being terrible with technology." I run into this often when I am out and about. Purchasing a new laptop? (Older model couldn't handle the AI playground I'm learning and extensive research I was doing) "Okay, honey, let me show you how this works [mansplain]." UM. I am technologically competent enough to work here, people. And did, for a couple of years. You don't want my cookies. I'm not a baker. And heck wearing LOL (Little Old Lady) clothing. I will not perform "elderliness" for you. But I will love you endlessly. Isn't that enough?
Having grandparents to rely upon is crucial and even more so if you’re a single parent. It’s not about the parties and the travel but about emergencies and having a little extra support. Like the lady who said to her three daughters it’s about being able to afford and support without the expectation of the grandparents’ support. No matter what we say, each family has its own needs and rules. In some cultures this is the expectation. But if something doesn’t work you need to be able to say it. Coming from s relatively small family it’s important to be close and spend time with grandparents. I know my dad isn’t able to babysit on his own. It’s creating chaos within chaos. My mum is another story. She does it hands down no issue. But it’s never a seamless process. I have a friend whose mum would look after the children two hours a week in the afternoon. No meals and no overnights. Your article raises questions that if you’re unable to see the perspective of both sides, it seems selfish. But your mum is right. 😁there needs to be an agreement between parent and grandparents.