There are two things I’ve tried to reduce over the years: the amount of alcohol I drink, and staying at a social engagement any longer than I want to. When it comes to the latter, I have achieved some sort of master tier in being able to extricate myself from any situation without any crumbs of guilt. Often, I am appointed as the spokesperson by others who also want to leave but are too scared to do so, and it is observing this behaviour in them, that has inspired this piece.
On average, I’ve noticed that people get better with doing this the older they get. As a sense of value for your own time increases, there’s less patience for doing things you don’t want to do. There’s also a better understanding of yourself. But I’m still surprised when people my age or slightly younger struggle with advocating for themselves around when to leave something.
When I announce I’m leaving and that emboldens them to do the same, they whisper: “I wanted to leave an hour ago,” and I think: Why didn’t you?
I understand the hesitation and fear. People want to be liked and they don’t want to disappoint, and leaving early is something that puts both of those things into play. But I also think leaving things early, or being honest with yourself about attending things, isn’t always about being selfish, or refusing to honour obligations. I think they link to much bigger things around people-pleasing, where we seek validation from, and how much power we give other people around deciding if we are a good person.
It’s also about recognising how rest and recovery should be your first priority where possible, because if that isn’t in check, so many other things topple, from our own mental wellbeing to how much patience we have with other people. And lastly, it’s about how we manage our ‘goodism’ – in other words, our need to be a good person, which if not managed well, can create vast reservoirs of rage and resentment that sit beneath the surface of our relationships.
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