All of this! Although I haven’t actually used dating apps since a brief stint on Tinder during its early stages in 2013 (a bin fire). The two long-term partners I’ve met since have been through working with them (also not advisable as when it goes tits up/you break up) it’s a new level of awkward and awful. After a DEVASTATING breakup of my last long-term relationship more than 2 years ago, I’ve only just felt ready to date again, but where to start? I did actually go to a dating event in Brighton where I live a few weeks ago that was...bleak. The majority of people there were women (all gorgeous and interesting and hyper-dateable) and then a smattering of men who were...not...and as I’m boringly straight/not interested in dating women, it was, needless to say, not a successful night. I did meet some really interesting women...but then there’s no shortage of brilliant, gorgeous, interesting women in my life already. I think the men (or the ones I’d consider dating) are not at these IRL events because the apps (IMO) work much better for men than they do women so there’s not a chance they’d leave the house on a wet Wednesday evening to go and awkwardly chat to people over dating games. It’s something I’ve been talking to my therapist about - I want to meet someone but I’m totally averse to the main way that people meet people (apps) and my old method in my 20s/early 30s of trawling bars and falling into the arms/beds of the hottest man I could find and hoping it translated into a relationship rarely/never worked then and absolutely does not now as a 43 year old woman with tons to offer, but no longer the nubile young bit of meat that, let’s be real, men hunting on a night out want (and thank fuck for that as that period of my life was not something I’d ever want to go back to). So, no answers here, but solidarity. And thank you for writing this
The way you felt out of place walking into a bar -- that's how I feel walking into a Nordstrom or other clothing store. "I used to shop here! How come now I totally don't fit in??" And it's only because everyone's younger than I am. I hate that feeling. I don't see myself as old and drab until I suddenly am convinced I don't belong.
Is it possible it's totally normal and to be expected that for some months at a time a single person won't feel like dating, and then at some other times will try dating, whether through apps, or hobbies/classes, or set up by friends? I definitely experienced that ebb and flow. FWIW I am sure it's possible you could be set up again with someone great by a friend. Its having happened once doesn't rule it out. (Sorry, I seem to be sounding like a mom!)
No you don’t. I’m not interested in meeting a guy at a bar or a pub because who knows where he is in his night of drinking. I am more interested in meeting someone through a shared hobby. If not--friends or family set you up.
Happy birthday!! 🥳 Also back on the apps and I’m having some good dates, I definitely feel more detached this time around since my last relationship. My friends say I am so optimistic and keep putting myself back out there, but I’m also equally feel happy alone too. I feel content but I like the companionship too. I am not sure this comment makes any sense but thanks for writing about it Poorna I 💯 think as I’ve hit mid 40s it’s changed for me how I approach the apps from a better place within 🤍
I quit online dating in 2019 after being ghosted in what felt like a cruel, calculating way- and vowed to never go back. Now that there’s been so much info coming out about how the apps are set up in way to basically be stacked against you, the consumer? It just reinforces my decision. Shani Silver on IG has a ton of great advice and affirmation on quitting the apps btw.
I’m 48, so at this point I’ll either meet him in person or I won’t. Since I quit I briefly dated one guy I met at work (so emotionally unavailable, it was unreal) I have one casual hookup I see a few times a year, and I’ve kind of been seeing an old flame but I’m not sure where that will go. And I’m okay with all of it- honestly I care less and less the older I get. Companionship and intimacy would be nice to have, but I’m so busy trying to survive these days, it’s fallen lower on my list of priorities.
Really sorry to hear you had this experience Laura - sounds horrible. However, it sounds like you’re in a place where you know your own mind and that’s a very hard won place to be indeed ❤️
I have this ideal scenario that someone from my past who I got on well with, maybe it was a case of wrong place or wrong time, crosses my path again - both of us post divorce/kids etc, and we fall in love. No more nonsense with apps and the relentlessly boring first conversations that never go anywhere, no trawling bars or shuffling along to dating events - I’m so over them 😅 so until that (let’s face it, highly unlikely) scenario unfolds, I’m embracing my beautiful, full, interesting & peace-filled single life and working hard on my previous beliefs that I’ll be happier with a partner. Here’s to us 😘
I met my husband on a dating site almost 8 years ago (after my first husband left me) but I’ve heard that the apps haven’t improved in that time. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I remember feeling at the time quite despondent with the choices. It’s a shame that I know so many amazing, intelligent women who find it difficult to date and then there are so many not great men out there (thanks to reverting to sexist culture because of toxic men like Andrew Tate). I do think that when dating in my 20s I didn’t consider what was a good fit. I was trying so hard to impress someone because they were handsome, looked good on paper, etc etc and not realising that this whole “life partner” thing is more nuanced. I hope you find your person (or the next person and I’m so sorry you lost yours 😭). But it also sounds like you have such a lovely life that you’ll be okay if you choose not to date, too. ☺️🥰
You wrote recently about perimenopause. Not having the capacity for dating can be part of this transformational life stage imo. We need a lot of energy and time for reflection and to look after ourselves instead of always looking after others.
It sounds from your writing like you’ve gone through a lot. Maybe this is a time to step back and reflect on all that has happened and enjoy “what is” right now.
New and different energy is just around the corner. The trick is to move towards that without fear and distraction (I did not know this at the time, and I wish someone had told me:)).
I completely agree - I think it’s a good time to pause and reflect. I wrote about peri menopause - however I am hesitant to attribute things to it when it may not be that. A lot of how I’m feeling at the moment is the exhaustion from a break-up I experienced this year - and so I’d rather be observant and aware that there may be things going on in the background but also managing that line of working out what else might be going on emotionally. Part of my own history and back story means I find it hard to relate to where others are in their life, unless we have a shared or similar history. All of which is to say that the advice to be observant and just exist is a good one - but I approach that line of how others experience things and to avoid conflating that to my own experience very carefully
All of this! Although I haven’t actually used dating apps since a brief stint on Tinder during its early stages in 2013 (a bin fire). The two long-term partners I’ve met since have been through working with them (also not advisable as when it goes tits up/you break up) it’s a new level of awkward and awful. After a DEVASTATING breakup of my last long-term relationship more than 2 years ago, I’ve only just felt ready to date again, but where to start? I did actually go to a dating event in Brighton where I live a few weeks ago that was...bleak. The majority of people there were women (all gorgeous and interesting and hyper-dateable) and then a smattering of men who were...not...and as I’m boringly straight/not interested in dating women, it was, needless to say, not a successful night. I did meet some really interesting women...but then there’s no shortage of brilliant, gorgeous, interesting women in my life already. I think the men (or the ones I’d consider dating) are not at these IRL events because the apps (IMO) work much better for men than they do women so there’s not a chance they’d leave the house on a wet Wednesday evening to go and awkwardly chat to people over dating games. It’s something I’ve been talking to my therapist about - I want to meet someone but I’m totally averse to the main way that people meet people (apps) and my old method in my 20s/early 30s of trawling bars and falling into the arms/beds of the hottest man I could find and hoping it translated into a relationship rarely/never worked then and absolutely does not now as a 43 year old woman with tons to offer, but no longer the nubile young bit of meat that, let’s be real, men hunting on a night out want (and thank fuck for that as that period of my life was not something I’d ever want to go back to). So, no answers here, but solidarity. And thank you for writing this
Love love love this answer so much!!
So loving (and feeling) this reply 🔥💪🏼
I should say as well that it’s not just women of my age (40s) that are feeling this but my younger female friends in their 20s too
I’m in my 30’s and I feel this way.
The way you felt out of place walking into a bar -- that's how I feel walking into a Nordstrom or other clothing store. "I used to shop here! How come now I totally don't fit in??" And it's only because everyone's younger than I am. I hate that feeling. I don't see myself as old and drab until I suddenly am convinced I don't belong.
Is it possible it's totally normal and to be expected that for some months at a time a single person won't feel like dating, and then at some other times will try dating, whether through apps, or hobbies/classes, or set up by friends? I definitely experienced that ebb and flow. FWIW I am sure it's possible you could be set up again with someone great by a friend. Its having happened once doesn't rule it out. (Sorry, I seem to be sounding like a mom!)
No you don’t. I’m not interested in meeting a guy at a bar or a pub because who knows where he is in his night of drinking. I am more interested in meeting someone through a shared hobby. If not--friends or family set you up.
Happy birthday!! 🥳 Also back on the apps and I’m having some good dates, I definitely feel more detached this time around since my last relationship. My friends say I am so optimistic and keep putting myself back out there, but I’m also equally feel happy alone too. I feel content but I like the companionship too. I am not sure this comment makes any sense but thanks for writing about it Poorna I 💯 think as I’ve hit mid 40s it’s changed for me how I approach the apps from a better place within 🤍
I quit online dating in 2019 after being ghosted in what felt like a cruel, calculating way- and vowed to never go back. Now that there’s been so much info coming out about how the apps are set up in way to basically be stacked against you, the consumer? It just reinforces my decision. Shani Silver on IG has a ton of great advice and affirmation on quitting the apps btw.
I’m 48, so at this point I’ll either meet him in person or I won’t. Since I quit I briefly dated one guy I met at work (so emotionally unavailable, it was unreal) I have one casual hookup I see a few times a year, and I’ve kind of been seeing an old flame but I’m not sure where that will go. And I’m okay with all of it- honestly I care less and less the older I get. Companionship and intimacy would be nice to have, but I’m so busy trying to survive these days, it’s fallen lower on my list of priorities.
Really sorry to hear you had this experience Laura - sounds horrible. However, it sounds like you’re in a place where you know your own mind and that’s a very hard won place to be indeed ❤️
I have this ideal scenario that someone from my past who I got on well with, maybe it was a case of wrong place or wrong time, crosses my path again - both of us post divorce/kids etc, and we fall in love. No more nonsense with apps and the relentlessly boring first conversations that never go anywhere, no trawling bars or shuffling along to dating events - I’m so over them 😅 so until that (let’s face it, highly unlikely) scenario unfolds, I’m embracing my beautiful, full, interesting & peace-filled single life and working hard on my previous beliefs that I’ll be happier with a partner. Here’s to us 😘
Ah the string theory approach! I’m not counting that out either too--I find it fascinating!!
I had no idea this was a thing, let alone a TikTok trend! Just googled and now I’m obsessed 😅
I met my husband on a dating site almost 8 years ago (after my first husband left me) but I’ve heard that the apps haven’t improved in that time. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I remember feeling at the time quite despondent with the choices. It’s a shame that I know so many amazing, intelligent women who find it difficult to date and then there are so many not great men out there (thanks to reverting to sexist culture because of toxic men like Andrew Tate). I do think that when dating in my 20s I didn’t consider what was a good fit. I was trying so hard to impress someone because they were handsome, looked good on paper, etc etc and not realising that this whole “life partner” thing is more nuanced. I hope you find your person (or the next person and I’m so sorry you lost yours 😭). But it also sounds like you have such a lovely life that you’ll be okay if you choose not to date, too. ☺️🥰
You wrote recently about perimenopause. Not having the capacity for dating can be part of this transformational life stage imo. We need a lot of energy and time for reflection and to look after ourselves instead of always looking after others.
It sounds from your writing like you’ve gone through a lot. Maybe this is a time to step back and reflect on all that has happened and enjoy “what is” right now.
New and different energy is just around the corner. The trick is to move towards that without fear and distraction (I did not know this at the time, and I wish someone had told me:)).
I completely agree - I think it’s a good time to pause and reflect. I wrote about peri menopause - however I am hesitant to attribute things to it when it may not be that. A lot of how I’m feeling at the moment is the exhaustion from a break-up I experienced this year - and so I’d rather be observant and aware that there may be things going on in the background but also managing that line of working out what else might be going on emotionally. Part of my own history and back story means I find it hard to relate to where others are in their life, unless we have a shared or similar history. All of which is to say that the advice to be observant and just exist is a good one - but I approach that line of how others experience things and to avoid conflating that to my own experience very carefully