I used to be terrified, bad and avoidant with money – here’s how I tried to change that
…And mostly succeeded
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Money is not the most important thing in the world, and the best things in life such as time and love, are free. But that doesn’t mean money isn’t important, especially when you are on the bones of your existence because there are plenty of things money can buy aside from food and shelter: health (to a certain extent), choices, quality of life. For women in particular, liberation has only been possible due to financial freedom.
What I realised at the lowest point of my life, thousands of pounds in debt and in a desperate situation with my late husband Rob who, when alive, had secretly racked up thousands and thousands of his own debt pushing him to the brink of bankruptcy, was that debt is a pit that makes it harder and harder to climb out of. (It is important to say that for anyone in a similar position, it is possible to extricate yourself from it, but takes time and patience).
I won’t linger too long on that period in my life partly because it’s a place I find hard to revisit. It is dark and subterranean, and involves taking a mental elevator down to a place with one flickering lightbulb and a lot of pain. But also, because this isn’t a piece about getting out of debt or even how to make money. I am not remotely qualified to advise anyone on that, but what I can talk about is recognising how afraid I was around money, how it made me so avoidant I ended up missing out on good practices to do with my finances, and how I am in a much better place now.
All of it has involved a certain amount of emotional and mental work, but it has changed my life in terms of how I feel about money, the constant worrying about never having enough, being too scared to spend it, confronting a lot of the money habits I learned from a young age, and releasing a huge amount of the shame I felt about how I handled money. It is also realising that I don’t need to be rich to start saving - as long as I can cover my utility and food bills, I can start at any time. I’m mainly writing about this because I wish I had known this sooner, and to not beat myself up for mistakes I’ve made in the past but to learn from them.
Currently I am not in debt, and haven’t been for a number of years. Unlike a lot of my mates and peers, I don’t get bonuses, paid holidays, sick leave and I didn’t start saving or had a pension until a few years ago. It has taken a long, long time to feel proud of myself –and finally I’m here and want to share what I did and learned.
(The reason for the ellipses in the subtitle is because I still don’t do some of the things people who are great with money do, because I also still have slip-ups and because I almost lost my mind this year worrying about the economy and my bank balance).
Confronting the past (without wallowing in it)
One of the most damaging things I did was telling myself I was ‘bad’ with money. Aside from the fact that it was shaming, it also ended up being a weird justification for why I never had money, or wasn’t able to hold onto it. It was a narrative I believed, and became a self-fulfilling prophecy, as it meant I avoided undertaking any habits that would be healthier for me.
A lot of my ‘bad with money’ narrative wasn’t actually my fault, at least not initially. I have to tread carefully here, but there’s a study that shows the majority of our attitudes and behaviours around money are actually set when we are children. A lot of what we learn is from how our parents are with money, decisions they make, guilt they may feel. In addition to that, we aren’t taught about money at school. I cannot believe I was taught how to throw a javelin and choreograph a dance to Band On The Run, but wasn’t taught about finances or taxes.
When I was a teenager, I remember being relatively good with money. I had a Saturday job, I saved my pocket money and I would buy things I could afford. Things went wonky when I was automatically given an overdraft with my bank account when I turned 18, and I realised I could now spend way beyond my means. That meant buying clothes, going out. Debt was a tomorrow problem, until it caught up with me and the interest rates were crippling. From that first overdraft, I remained in overdraft until I was 35, as well as credit cards and a student loan.
Another significant part in the accumulation of my debt was not being paid enough to cover bills for a considerable number of years, which is when the bulk of my debt started to accumulate. My starting salary as a journalist was £12K per year, it remained at £18K for another three years, and finally went up to £30K when I was several years in. That, combined with being irresponsible with money – I would often spend what I didn’t have, and would try and keep up with my friends who earned a lot more than me – meant my money issues were teetering out of control.
Getting help
It will take too long to delve into how I got myself out of debt, but in short summary, it was working for a corporation and getting promoted to a job that paid me enough to pay it off. I will never stop being grateful for what that job did for me. A job I however quit to go freelance because it turns out that you cannot have decent mental health and work long days under a high amount of pressure, while grieving the loss of a husband.
A high-paying job also can suck out your life source and leave you crying daily in the toilets which I decided was not a great thing. Although I was worried about the financial implications of quitting, because I was out of debt, it was much easier to stay out of debt as financial institutions are not designed or geared to help you exit debt easily. It’s why debt can sometimes feel like trying to keep your head above the waves until the next surge of payments pulls you under.
I had always thought that if I got out of debt, I would stop feeling sick around money. But it wasn’t the case. I would oscillate between spending and feeling constantly terrified I would find myself back in the bony fingers of debt again. Due to my paralysing fear around money, I didn’t like to check my bank balance, I couldn’t budget, and on one holiday, when a friend kept mentioning how much money we spent, it made me feel sick with worry for hours afterwards.
I probably would have continued like this for years, had a friend not suggested going to a cheap-ish money workshop. She had the same fears about money, and although I really didn’t want to go, I went. I instantly hated the teacher. Not because the poor thing had done anything, but because I focussed all my recalcitrance and self-loathing around money on her. I sat in a chair with my arms crossed while my friend enthusiastically threw herself into it. And I thought about her: “What is wrong with you?” When really, I was thinking: “What is wrong with me? Why does everyone else seem to be able to budget and save and not want to throw up when money is mentioned?”
The biggest thing to come out of that workshop was realising just how much I feared money, and the emotions that triggered it. Perhaps most important: wanting to change it. That workshop led to me doing three sessions with a more expensive money coach, who also helped me work on a lot of my issues around money from when I was younger, and release the shame around it. “You are not bad with money,” she said firmly, and the relief I felt at feeling for the first time that I could change that narrative, was immense. She worked through things like creating a ‘spending plan’ versus a budget, as language is powerful and the latter indicates restriction, versus the freedom money management gives you.
It was a good starting place, as it made me realise that the longer I avoided looking at my bank balance, it intensified the sense of fear. It also reframed money as possibilities and options, versus restriction and guilt. The spending plan thing didn’t take though – I’ve tried many times, but I cannot bring myself to do it.
General savings and investment
I learned something valuable about myself which is that often I will have to find the easiest way to do something, or I will do nothing at all. Inaction around saving is my biggest flaw. I find all the talk about investments, crypto, stock etc absolutely overwhelming. Friends told me to watch various YouTube videos – I tried, and failed.
What I found worked were apps – especially ones that simplify things and make it feel like a game, or show your savings going up which is hugely satisfying. The app I use is Plum – which has mixed reviews because people say you can make more money by investing the money yourself. Which I will never do, because I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Since saving with Plum and other companies that choose a portfolio for you like Vanguard, it has become more manageable but most importantly I’ve actually done it versus previously, when I’ve done nothing about it.
I also have a few ISA’s, and savings that are in a fixed-year account. The savings aren’t enormous and in comparison to people I know, damn right miniscule, but I am proud of myself for where I am now.
Planning for the future
A number of years ago, my mother kept nagging my sister and I to sort out our pensions, and the more she kept doing it, the more it delayed me taking a step. It taught me that how you teach your children about finances and the tone you use with them matters a lot. If I feel like I am being harangued, I won’t do it. Finally, I set one up, but mainly because I attended a talk held by the Financial Times, where a woman from finance company Nutmeg talked about how the two groups most adversely affected by not setting up their pensions or paying enough into them were a) women and b) freelancers. Tick and tick. It put the fear of God into me, and that’s what spurred me on.
Recently, I listened to Ramit Sethi on the Diary of a CEO podcast, and it changed my life about money. Aside from him saying that the biggest mistake people make is thinking the best investment they can make is buying a property, he also talks about retirement funds and how much more lucrative they are. Within a week I set one up with Vanguard and the RELIEF I feel at that is ridiculous.
Spending and outlook
Forgive me for quoting Ramit again, but his schtick isn’t the money self-help guff of old, it’s about designing what your ‘rich life’ looks for you. That isn’t necessarily about having as much money as possible, more about thinking what you want your life to look like and making your existing amount of money work towards creating a life you want.
I’m an advocate for not living to work, and in particular having witnessed family members and friends amass huge amounts of wealth that they never spent and in all likelihood will die with an unfulfilled life and money that will be inherited by someone else, as a result. But I also am a pragmatist and know that there are things I want to do in life that require money, and I never, ever want to return to that dark place where I worried all the time, and most importantly, my finances were impacted by a man. (That is a whole other Substack).
My approach in life tends to be about prioritising the things I want to spend money on, and being realistic about what I can afford, and what financial freedom will buy me down the line. When I was debt free but too afraid to spend money – that wasn’t good either. Now, I have a more balanced approach.
I am able to enjoy the money my hard work gets me by actually spending it, but at the same time, understand that I have to keep a healthy baseline of income and savings to mitigate uncertainties down the line. The only way I can do that is by creating forward growth and momentum with my savings, engaging with my bank accounts and staying on top of things, and having a sense of how much money I need to do the things I want to do.
Finally, compassion
Compassion, not shame, will win when it comes to changing fear-filled attitudes around money. It’s never too late to start, to forgive the mistakes you’ve made in the past, and to learn to trust yourself. And always recognise the times you’ve got it right, even during times of struggle. I’ve weathered two big, challenging periods as a sole trader – the pandemic and this year’s cost of living crisis – without help, and that’s something to feel enormously proud of. Although money is probably something I will always feel a frisson of worry about from time to time, I recognise that some of it is an old haunting, ghostly flickers of a life that looks very different now. And one that back then, I couldn’t imagine.
I’ve always told myself the story I’m bad with money, and this year I discovered Plum. I’ve been saving with it for eight months and it’s astonishing how quickly it adds up. With an imminent divorce and having to take responsibility for all the household bills I’ve felt utterly terrified and overwhelmed but just small steps like that have really helped. Money is so complex and I’ve avoided dealing with it my whole life. I don’t want to shame myself for letting my ex husband deal with it all but I wish I’d stepped in earlier and got a handle on it. Thank you for this - I’m definitely going to get my financial shit together a hell of a lot more now.
Thank you so much for your input on this matter! I was also secretly thinking I am “bad with money” because I always feel overwhelmed with the tons of information on the topic but never quite finding an approach that clicks with me. I’m really thinking on taking a course directed at women, as it also takes into account the aspect that the “bad with money” feeling is a result of our socialization rather than inherent to women’s nature. Right now I’m working a corporate job as I feel I have to earn as much money as possible to compensate for my financial experience - I feel like this is a deal with the devil as it gives me a false sense of security and “financial freedom” while it costs me so much more in terms of time and quality of life. Going forward, I’m aiming to gain real financial freedom and in turn more personal freedom. I really loved how you described the concept of “making your existing amount of money work towards creating a life you want”. I will use this as a future reference point for sure.