I absolutely love this. I have never felt lonelier than within my marriage when we were having difficulties (which have now thankfully passed). I carry the ‘mental load’ for my family of 4 and hold the enormous emotional space required to encompass teenage daughters and stressed and stretched adult lives. My older sister lives alone, with her 3 cats, and her home is indeed an oasis of calm and tranquility. Her black cherry yoghurt never goes missing. No one uses the last teabag. She is not lonely, she is deeply content. Do I want that? Yes and no, I made my choices and my busy house feeds my soul, but do I crave that respite? Yes with every bone of my body. I want my space to be smaller, less chaotic, less full, more calm. One day maybe it will be so x
I’ve lived with family and housemates and a partner, and in all of these circumstances have felt deep, profound loneliness. You can be in a room full of people and feel lonely, whereas I live alone now and it is extremely rare for me to feel lonely. Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing, which is difficult to explain to many people. Being able to choose when I have company is an extreme privilege, rather than it being forced upon me by people I live with.
I became a widow at 33 after essentially spending my entire short lived adulthood with my husband. The idea of living alone in the immediacy his death was terrifying. But I’ve spent the last 7 years creating a home and a haven in all the beautiful and self-fulfilling ways. I’ve been with my new partner for 3 years now and we live 700 miles away. We love each other and take grand adventures together and at the end of them, I settle back into my quiet oasis. It’s unconventional and it works - for us and for me.
Thank you for this lovely perspective that more people need to see 💛
The day I found out I have a chronic, manageable, but potentially deadly liver condition, I cooked, served, and cleaned up dinner. Then I sat on the couch and pondered my mortality. My husband, in his easy chair, shook his whiskey glass, took a sip and yelled over a too-loud TV: "are you going to take care of me when I'm old?"
He doesn't live here anymore... neither does the TV.
I love with a manageable, chronic, but eventually deadly blood cancer. I do it all alone, because what I learnt is that people in my life just want me to look after them. Its too lonely when the clock is tickinyoand a partner still asking for things instead of asking how you are.
I so enjoyed your article, thank you for writing it!
I’ve lived with my now teen daughter for 12 years man-free. Although being a single mum divorcee brings a lot if challenges (though we do co parent), like not getting invites, suspicion etc, I love having my own space. I also love the deeper friendships with the women who appreciate me and my calm life, married and unmarried. Yes responsibility is hard but it’s only me and my girl to take care of (I have also not come across a man who looks after the woman!). I’ve had time to start a business, an online following and to write. I don’t think I’d have done any if that had I still been married.
So glad you wrote this! It’s made me appreciate my life rather than seeding it through the lens of a lack.
Kate! The same in my life with just myself and my 11 yr old daughter. Now I am also a Caretaker for my mom but found us a home that has completely separate living quarters apart from hers to “keep the peace” and throughout the challenges and others wondering why I don’t date or choose something different, having our own space is a treasure I can’t describe as eloquently as above. I too appreciate it even more now from this! 🙏🏼
That sounds like a great set up. I do sometimes thing I ‘should’ find someone but I’m not sure if all the compromising is worth it! I’ll see how I feel when my daughter goes to Uni later this year when it will just be me and the dog but I can imagine I will just still like the peace ✨
Oh this is so very true! I love living alone, I love my home, I love my solitude, I love my peace. I can’t imagine living with a partner again after having my own safe haven that I’ve created. I don’t think I would forsake that for anyone 💛
You said everything I would say about my own situation. After years of serial relationships, I have lived alone for 10 years, yet find myself surrounded by life (plants, aquariums, a 12 y/o rescue dog). I have an active social life that I can take and leave as needs dictate. I live my life on my terms, 24x7x365. My home is all mine, my oasis of pampering, comfort and peace, where I indulge my every whim. I want for absolutely nothing.
Kathy, your life sounds like absolute heaven to me! I have recently started a new relationship but I’ve already decided that if it goes well, I’m not living with him - no way in hell 😂 I’ve lived without a partner for 5 years and there’s no way I’m going back!
This really resonates! I too lost my husband and have had a few relationships since but in no case did I want the guy I was with to move in. The key I think is learning to see solitude - I prefer the word to loneliness - as a positive, as you say yourself. It's a muscle you have to work but the more you see the benefits the better it gets.
I lived man-free for 12 years, and had lonely stretches but I learned to reach out and see friends regularly which turned it into precious solitude which I agree is very different 💛
When my sister came over for New Year's Eve we shared the bed and I remember telling her that it was so strange as I've been single for the past 5 years. Although I've dated occasionally, I've only had one person over and I realised I wasn't really that chuffed by sharing my space with them (quite likely they weren't a good match, I get that). However, after having spent most of my life in relationships, when I broke up with my ex after 9 years together (most of that time living together), I felt a heavy weight being lifted off my shoulders. We were definitely not compatible in lifestyles but the conditioning society has done to us women about how it's preferable to be in a relationship than alone played a big part in making that relationship last that long. Now that I'm on my own and can manage my life independently, and I know how my house is going to look like every time I step in, or that I won't have to put up with noisy tv or football matches at all hours, good luck convincing me to live with a man ever again... And yes, not all men, etc, but unless a man comes along that is willing to improve my life significantly by making it easier with his presence, I have zero interest in sharing my newfound clarity of mind, freedom and independence. As Poorna points out most of the caring and mental toll of being in a relationship with a man is done by women, so thanks but no thanks.
Really enjoyed this article Poorna, thank you. I aspire to be the family figure that your aunt provides you - calm, independent, clear boundaries but still very much part of things on their own terms.
I think the idea of being 'taken care of' is an interesting one. I agree that I know a lot of straight couples who have a division of labour/care that seems very imbalanced and not that appealing. Though also I sometimes do feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of deciding stuff and sorting stuff out - it's not that I think I'd necessarily get that help from a male partner specifically, it's more a feeling of 'why do I have to deal with the broken boiler/finding a good mortgage deal/remembering to de-flea the cat etc. without help, all by myself'. And maybe that's the deal you strike - peace and quiet, living life in your terms but also taking full (sometimes a bit overwhelming) responsibility for everything in that independent life. I hope that makes some sense! Anyway thank you for a thought-provoking piece.
I completely get that! It can be so tiring sometimes doing things solo or having to do the labour of things alone, but I also know that I had to nag the hell out of previous partners to get things done - and that also felt exhausting.
Oh how I adore and relate to this wonderful essay. It amazes me how much generations of women continue to perpetuate & protect the myth of being 'taken care of' by a man, even when lived experience says otherwise. I can't think of one partnered or married heterosexual woman I know for whom this is the case. At best, both parties nurture in significant ways – while also making sacrifices (sacrifices which, I have to say, can so often be more on the part of the woman).
What does that phrase, 'taken care of', even mean: the nurturing nature that we know is more a feminine trait (and therefore we likely experience so much more profoundly through our female friendships) or the outdated notion of a man playing the sole provider role, which becomes less relevant with each year that goes by? It's a nice, comforting fairytale I think – a little like Santa – but it's a bizarre one. Thank you Poorna for reflecting reality, rather than myth.
"I think loneliness exists in some pocket of the soul even if you are lying next to your soul mate."
True true true (or I haven't found my soul mate). Regardless, I hate living alone. I definitely don't need a man (because indeed, I enjoy not living in a constant mess), but I'd like ~a creature~ around me. My dog does an excellent job at this, just peacefully co-existing, we don't even talk much really. But a casual live-in BFF would also to the trick. I want to do my one-person activities while someone else is doing their one-person activities. Together-alone.
I’m completely happy living alone and know I need it.
In the psychiatric hospital I did experience together-alone, where in the evening some of us went to the art room to work on our own thing, sometimes chatting, sometimes not, sometimes with spontaneous collaborations. Each leaving whenever they felt like it.
It was the trauma program, and after we finished, we felt we need to create some kind of space like this. But how?
You’ve described so well what I’ve found hardest about living alone (for nearly two years now): the opportunity to be together-alone. I’m either alone or more actively engaged with others but what I like best is being together-alone (especially somewhere spacious enough to not be on top of each other). Regularly visiting my parents’ place, where I can get plenty of together-alone time, is central to my coping with living alone (which I do love in many ways) but it’s hours away and I’m aware that it won’t be an option forever.
There is an amazing book called The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen that I think you (and everyone on this thread, really) might be interested in! It explores alternative structures of living outside of the heteronormative one-partner or nuclear-family options, especially living with friends, and really highlights how the emphasis on romantic partners in our society has decreased our collective imagination about other ways of living that prioritize other relationships, particularly friendships.
I live with my son for now, but I am an alone adult. The home I have created is designed by my decisions.
The prospect of ever sharing my wardrobe space fills me with horror. The idea of someone being in one of my little corners should I fancy sitting there for a while. Or placing things where I don’t think they should go. Goodness me. No no no.
I enjoy being solely responsible for which plants live and which plants die.
I’ve a post coming out soon in being a cat lady too.
But above all. I LOVE your comment about lionesses. For all the reasons in my last post about default male bias, courage and repositioning the narrative of bravery back to where it belongs. In the house of woman ❤️🔥
Every one of my partnered friends wishes to have a place of her own. Maybe it's our age? Mostly, I think we are exhausted from the always-on neediness of our mates. "Where are you going?" As I get up from the sofa. "What are you doing now?" as I put on my shoes. "I was waiting for you," as I ask why he hasn't had dinner while I worked past 9pm. 🥴
LOVED every word ❤️ I live alone, in a huge house on the sea in Hove, happy as a clam! And yet, every single person I meet asks ‘aren’t you afraid on your own’ ‘aren’t you lonely’ and No, No
Poorna, thanks for writing this. I can so relate to the pressure of elders who are concerned nobody will take care of us in our old age. “I want to die knowing there is someone to take care of you" was a line my mom repeated after my divorce many years ago. Living alone in any sort of arrangement is frowned upon in my culture, although less so in the new generation. I think your article just gave a nod to the "unconventional" lifestyle of our choosing. In my case, I'm in a relationship where my partner has chosen to live abroad a few months a year and I need to stay here for my work. At first it was very tough for me but now that this has been going on for some years and I've come to appreciate the "room of my own" feeling and take advantage of the alone time when he's away. But in my mother's eyes this is something undesirable and almost shameful or regretable. Well, I don't care anymore how others think about my living situation, as long as I can make peace with it. Thanks again for this article.
P.S. I don't know why my comment has been "liked" by 9 months after it was posted. I want to update to say that this "unconventional" living arrangement turned out to be a disaster. My partner (now ex) was actively cheating on me and used living abroad to pursue work and purpose as a cover-up for his secret sexual basement. Now I live alone, am healing from the trauma and am so much happier in my own company.
My mom lives alone after my wonderful dad/her husband died a few years ago. Though obviously it was hard and we miss him like hell, my mom loves her home. She has been able to redecorate how she always wanted to and she has her own slow routine of drinking coffee while sitting outside on the patio. I remember seeing her socks in the kitchen (which would have never happened when my dad was alive, he was all about having things in the right place) and laughing together at the freedom she has now to just be. We joke that she runs a woman refuge, as her lady friends who are divorced or in unhappy marriages come over often for peace and quiet. Thanks for writing this!
A woman's refuge, how lovely an idea that is! Before I settled in my new place, I prayed so that this flat would be a safe place for my friends who need peace and quiet may visit.
This month alone I've hosted two wonderful ladies.
I absolutely love this. I have never felt lonelier than within my marriage when we were having difficulties (which have now thankfully passed). I carry the ‘mental load’ for my family of 4 and hold the enormous emotional space required to encompass teenage daughters and stressed and stretched adult lives. My older sister lives alone, with her 3 cats, and her home is indeed an oasis of calm and tranquility. Her black cherry yoghurt never goes missing. No one uses the last teabag. She is not lonely, she is deeply content. Do I want that? Yes and no, I made my choices and my busy house feeds my soul, but do I crave that respite? Yes with every bone of my body. I want my space to be smaller, less chaotic, less full, more calm. One day maybe it will be so x
Love this Emma - thank you so much for being vulnerable with us and sharing ❤️❤️❤️
You’re so welcome. I’m delighted to have found you on here 🙏💕
I’ve lived with family and housemates and a partner, and in all of these circumstances have felt deep, profound loneliness. You can be in a room full of people and feel lonely, whereas I live alone now and it is extremely rare for me to feel lonely. Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing, which is difficult to explain to many people. Being able to choose when I have company is an extreme privilege, rather than it being forced upon me by people I live with.
I became a widow at 33 after essentially spending my entire short lived adulthood with my husband. The idea of living alone in the immediacy his death was terrifying. But I’ve spent the last 7 years creating a home and a haven in all the beautiful and self-fulfilling ways. I’ve been with my new partner for 3 years now and we live 700 miles away. We love each other and take grand adventures together and at the end of them, I settle back into my quiet oasis. It’s unconventional and it works - for us and for me.
Thank you for this lovely perspective that more people need to see 💛
I love that you have made this work for you in a way that feels right and beautiful for what you need and want 💕
The day I found out I have a chronic, manageable, but potentially deadly liver condition, I cooked, served, and cleaned up dinner. Then I sat on the couch and pondered my mortality. My husband, in his easy chair, shook his whiskey glass, took a sip and yelled over a too-loud TV: "are you going to take care of me when I'm old?"
He doesn't live here anymore... neither does the TV.
I love with a manageable, chronic, but eventually deadly blood cancer. I do it all alone, because what I learnt is that people in my life just want me to look after them. Its too lonely when the clock is tickinyoand a partner still asking for things instead of asking how you are.
That's awful. I am glad you found the resolve to leave. It sounds like you are doing well.
I so enjoyed your article, thank you for writing it!
I’ve lived with my now teen daughter for 12 years man-free. Although being a single mum divorcee brings a lot if challenges (though we do co parent), like not getting invites, suspicion etc, I love having my own space. I also love the deeper friendships with the women who appreciate me and my calm life, married and unmarried. Yes responsibility is hard but it’s only me and my girl to take care of (I have also not come across a man who looks after the woman!). I’ve had time to start a business, an online following and to write. I don’t think I’d have done any if that had I still been married.
So glad you wrote this! It’s made me appreciate my life rather than seeding it through the lens of a lack.
Kate ❤️
Kate you sound like an absolute legend!! Well done you for all you’ve achieved and the life you have created for you both. 💪🏾❤️
Thank you! Legend may be pushing it but there’s a lot to be said for living alone for sure! ❤️🙏🏻
Kate! The same in my life with just myself and my 11 yr old daughter. Now I am also a Caretaker for my mom but found us a home that has completely separate living quarters apart from hers to “keep the peace” and throughout the challenges and others wondering why I don’t date or choose something different, having our own space is a treasure I can’t describe as eloquently as above. I too appreciate it even more now from this! 🙏🏼
That sounds like a great set up. I do sometimes thing I ‘should’ find someone but I’m not sure if all the compromising is worth it! I’ll see how I feel when my daughter goes to Uni later this year when it will just be me and the dog but I can imagine I will just still like the peace ✨
Oh this is so very true! I love living alone, I love my home, I love my solitude, I love my peace. I can’t imagine living with a partner again after having my own safe haven that I’ve created. I don’t think I would forsake that for anyone 💛
You said everything I would say about my own situation. After years of serial relationships, I have lived alone for 10 years, yet find myself surrounded by life (plants, aquariums, a 12 y/o rescue dog). I have an active social life that I can take and leave as needs dictate. I live my life on my terms, 24x7x365. My home is all mine, my oasis of pampering, comfort and peace, where I indulge my every whim. I want for absolutely nothing.
Kathy, your life sounds like absolute heaven to me! I have recently started a new relationship but I’ve already decided that if it goes well, I’m not living with him - no way in hell 😂 I’ve lived without a partner for 5 years and there’s no way I’m going back!
I feel the same! ❤️
I intended to leave a comment. I don't need to. You said it all for me.
This really resonates! I too lost my husband and have had a few relationships since but in no case did I want the guy I was with to move in. The key I think is learning to see solitude - I prefer the word to loneliness - as a positive, as you say yourself. It's a muscle you have to work but the more you see the benefits the better it gets.
I lived man-free for 12 years, and had lonely stretches but I learned to reach out and see friends regularly which turned it into precious solitude which I agree is very different 💛
When my sister came over for New Year's Eve we shared the bed and I remember telling her that it was so strange as I've been single for the past 5 years. Although I've dated occasionally, I've only had one person over and I realised I wasn't really that chuffed by sharing my space with them (quite likely they weren't a good match, I get that). However, after having spent most of my life in relationships, when I broke up with my ex after 9 years together (most of that time living together), I felt a heavy weight being lifted off my shoulders. We were definitely not compatible in lifestyles but the conditioning society has done to us women about how it's preferable to be in a relationship than alone played a big part in making that relationship last that long. Now that I'm on my own and can manage my life independently, and I know how my house is going to look like every time I step in, or that I won't have to put up with noisy tv or football matches at all hours, good luck convincing me to live with a man ever again... And yes, not all men, etc, but unless a man comes along that is willing to improve my life significantly by making it easier with his presence, I have zero interest in sharing my newfound clarity of mind, freedom and independence. As Poorna points out most of the caring and mental toll of being in a relationship with a man is done by women, so thanks but no thanks.
I forgot about endless sports on TV, I don’t miss that either! 🤣💛
We all have our annoying habits, but that was insufferable as he watched four major European leagues so it was like living inside Match of the Day 😂
And I’m so glad I don’t have to go to the pub and pretend I like rugby any more! 😂
I hear you!!!
Really enjoyed this article Poorna, thank you. I aspire to be the family figure that your aunt provides you - calm, independent, clear boundaries but still very much part of things on their own terms.
I think the idea of being 'taken care of' is an interesting one. I agree that I know a lot of straight couples who have a division of labour/care that seems very imbalanced and not that appealing. Though also I sometimes do feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of deciding stuff and sorting stuff out - it's not that I think I'd necessarily get that help from a male partner specifically, it's more a feeling of 'why do I have to deal with the broken boiler/finding a good mortgage deal/remembering to de-flea the cat etc. without help, all by myself'. And maybe that's the deal you strike - peace and quiet, living life in your terms but also taking full (sometimes a bit overwhelming) responsibility for everything in that independent life. I hope that makes some sense! Anyway thank you for a thought-provoking piece.
I completely get that! It can be so tiring sometimes doing things solo or having to do the labour of things alone, but I also know that I had to nag the hell out of previous partners to get things done - and that also felt exhausting.
Oh how I adore and relate to this wonderful essay. It amazes me how much generations of women continue to perpetuate & protect the myth of being 'taken care of' by a man, even when lived experience says otherwise. I can't think of one partnered or married heterosexual woman I know for whom this is the case. At best, both parties nurture in significant ways – while also making sacrifices (sacrifices which, I have to say, can so often be more on the part of the woman).
What does that phrase, 'taken care of', even mean: the nurturing nature that we know is more a feminine trait (and therefore we likely experience so much more profoundly through our female friendships) or the outdated notion of a man playing the sole provider role, which becomes less relevant with each year that goes by? It's a nice, comforting fairytale I think – a little like Santa – but it's a bizarre one. Thank you Poorna for reflecting reality, rather than myth.
Love this so much Francesca!
"I think loneliness exists in some pocket of the soul even if you are lying next to your soul mate."
True true true (or I haven't found my soul mate). Regardless, I hate living alone. I definitely don't need a man (because indeed, I enjoy not living in a constant mess), but I'd like ~a creature~ around me. My dog does an excellent job at this, just peacefully co-existing, we don't even talk much really. But a casual live-in BFF would also to the trick. I want to do my one-person activities while someone else is doing their one-person activities. Together-alone.
Parallel play is the technical term, but I like together-alone too because it describes the emotion behind it
I’m completely happy living alone and know I need it.
In the psychiatric hospital I did experience together-alone, where in the evening some of us went to the art room to work on our own thing, sometimes chatting, sometimes not, sometimes with spontaneous collaborations. Each leaving whenever they felt like it.
It was the trauma program, and after we finished, we felt we need to create some kind of space like this. But how?
You’ve described so well what I’ve found hardest about living alone (for nearly two years now): the opportunity to be together-alone. I’m either alone or more actively engaged with others but what I like best is being together-alone (especially somewhere spacious enough to not be on top of each other). Regularly visiting my parents’ place, where I can get plenty of together-alone time, is central to my coping with living alone (which I do love in many ways) but it’s hours away and I’m aware that it won’t be an option forever.
There is an amazing book called The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen that I think you (and everyone on this thread, really) might be interested in! It explores alternative structures of living outside of the heteronormative one-partner or nuclear-family options, especially living with friends, and really highlights how the emphasis on romantic partners in our society has decreased our collective imagination about other ways of living that prioritize other relationships, particularly friendships.
I adore this.
I live with my son for now, but I am an alone adult. The home I have created is designed by my decisions.
The prospect of ever sharing my wardrobe space fills me with horror. The idea of someone being in one of my little corners should I fancy sitting there for a while. Or placing things where I don’t think they should go. Goodness me. No no no.
I enjoy being solely responsible for which plants live and which plants die.
I’ve a post coming out soon in being a cat lady too.
But above all. I LOVE your comment about lionesses. For all the reasons in my last post about default male bias, courage and repositioning the narrative of bravery back to where it belongs. In the house of woman ❤️🔥
Every one of my partnered friends wishes to have a place of her own. Maybe it's our age? Mostly, I think we are exhausted from the always-on neediness of our mates. "Where are you going?" As I get up from the sofa. "What are you doing now?" as I put on my shoes. "I was waiting for you," as I ask why he hasn't had dinner while I worked past 9pm. 🥴
OMG, I had to think when I read your comment. Did I write this? No, but I could have! LOL
🤣🤣
I remember my then husband forgetting to eat when I went out one night!
🤦🏼♀️
LOVED every word ❤️ I live alone, in a huge house on the sea in Hove, happy as a clam! And yet, every single person I meet asks ‘aren’t you afraid on your own’ ‘aren’t you lonely’ and No, No
Poorna, thanks for writing this. I can so relate to the pressure of elders who are concerned nobody will take care of us in our old age. “I want to die knowing there is someone to take care of you" was a line my mom repeated after my divorce many years ago. Living alone in any sort of arrangement is frowned upon in my culture, although less so in the new generation. I think your article just gave a nod to the "unconventional" lifestyle of our choosing. In my case, I'm in a relationship where my partner has chosen to live abroad a few months a year and I need to stay here for my work. At first it was very tough for me but now that this has been going on for some years and I've come to appreciate the "room of my own" feeling and take advantage of the alone time when he's away. But in my mother's eyes this is something undesirable and almost shameful or regretable. Well, I don't care anymore how others think about my living situation, as long as I can make peace with it. Thanks again for this article.
P.S. I don't know why my comment has been "liked" by 9 months after it was posted. I want to update to say that this "unconventional" living arrangement turned out to be a disaster. My partner (now ex) was actively cheating on me and used living abroad to pursue work and purpose as a cover-up for his secret sexual basement. Now I live alone, am healing from the trauma and am so much happier in my own company.
My mom lives alone after my wonderful dad/her husband died a few years ago. Though obviously it was hard and we miss him like hell, my mom loves her home. She has been able to redecorate how she always wanted to and she has her own slow routine of drinking coffee while sitting outside on the patio. I remember seeing her socks in the kitchen (which would have never happened when my dad was alive, he was all about having things in the right place) and laughing together at the freedom she has now to just be. We joke that she runs a woman refuge, as her lady friends who are divorced or in unhappy marriages come over often for peace and quiet. Thanks for writing this!
I can almost picture the home your mother has created ❤️❤️
A woman's refuge, how lovely an idea that is! Before I settled in my new place, I prayed so that this flat would be a safe place for my friends who need peace and quiet may visit.
This month alone I've hosted two wonderful ladies.