“the desperate belief in the narrative around romance that perhaps a message could change the outcome of something” … oh my god yes. I’ve done my fair share of this over the last few years. Even in my most recent break up, which wasn’t quite as amicable as yours sounds Poorna, but there were complexities and I do believe he really cared for me. I miss him and I decided to tell him via a simple one sentence text a few months ago. I questioned why I was doing it but I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to put that emotion out into the world - it needed honouring, and yeah maybe that was nothing to do with him and just for me, but because of the circumstances in which we split, I felt I wanted to share that love with him. It wasn’t read or acknowledged which I found hurtful but it also gave me the information I needed to move on. Heartbroken again at 51, fuck it’s tough. Like you - I believe in staying open to it but for now (again), I’m spending time loving myself. Here with you in the healing space and sending love and solidarity xxx
Well Poorna, we are in similar situations. But I’m only learning this 12 years later than you - so you are way ahead of me 😊. At the moment we are staying friends and he is supporting me though some challenging first months of a new job. I’m not sure what the future holds but it will not be with someone who does not chose me as I chose them 👏🏻 🤗
Thinking of you Poorna and hoping your heart heals soon. Beautifully said - “You should never have to convince someone you are worth taking a risk on, when you’ve already offered them entry into the solar system of your life. “
Ah! I feel for you. I'm going through something similar myself right now. There's a woman I've known for a few years in a professional capacity. She broke up with her partner about 6 months ago. So I had an appointment with her a few weeks ago, I asked if she'd like to go for dinner with me and she actually said yes. She's super busy with work and stuff so she said to remind her. So I messaged this week to remind her. Her response took me by suprise as she said that's she's away for a few days with her partner but would love to have dinner with me. I honestly thought she was single, but seems that's not the case. After speaking to a friend about it she said just go for the dinner. So I replied saying when I'm free etc. That's where it's currently at. Now I've not stopped thinking about this for days and still not really sure if I'm doing the right thing. I am 49 years old and want a long term relationship, I guess I'm trying to hold on to the belief it might happen, but the reality is that is probably won't. I have strong feelings for her, but do wonder if it might have been different if I'd asked sooner.
Ooof this is a tough one! I would just be honest Mark - and ask her outright as she may have had mixed signals and thinks it’s a work dinner, a friends dinner even? Or if she does think it’s romantic then I suppose that is problematic for different reasons. I would put your cards on the table as second guessing can be exhausting.
Wise words about not contorting ourselves to fit someone else at our detriment. And spot on about how well-meaning friends in their desire to console you, sometimes end up giving false hope and encouraging you to put up with callous behavior.
Ahhh! You’re always so brilliant. You perfectly articulated so much of me in my 20s. I wrote this one post about how I had this whole breakup rebuttal email in my 20s as if that would make the person go “You know what? This email has made me change my mind.” 🤣😱 So much cringe. But then you hit the nail on the head: that’s what we have seen in films and books so I was emulating that! This post is making so many lightbulbs 💡 go off for me. I’m so so so sad for you, though, that this relationship you wanted didn’t work out and I do hope there’s someone out there who is meant for you. 🥰🫶🏻 Sending love and healing.
Great introspective and self-aware essay. Unconditional love is the goal. You made me wonder to what degree texting has changed the ebb and flow of relationships as opposed to the telephone and letters, which were the communications I grew up with.
Also, if you'll forgive my including some humor about answering machines, this is a classic scene from the movie Swingers. The guy has been told by his friends to wait at least a few days to call the girl he met that night who, crucially, gave hime her number.
“the desperate belief in the narrative around romance that perhaps a message could change the outcome of something” … oh my god yes. I’ve done my fair share of this over the last few years. Even in my most recent break up, which wasn’t quite as amicable as yours sounds Poorna, but there were complexities and I do believe he really cared for me. I miss him and I decided to tell him via a simple one sentence text a few months ago. I questioned why I was doing it but I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to put that emotion out into the world - it needed honouring, and yeah maybe that was nothing to do with him and just for me, but because of the circumstances in which we split, I felt I wanted to share that love with him. It wasn’t read or acknowledged which I found hurtful but it also gave me the information I needed to move on. Heartbroken again at 51, fuck it’s tough. Like you - I believe in staying open to it but for now (again), I’m spending time loving myself. Here with you in the healing space and sending love and solidarity xxx
Ooof when they don’t reply that’s a tough one but glad you could see it for what it was - closure ❤️
Well Poorna, we are in similar situations. But I’m only learning this 12 years later than you - so you are way ahead of me 😊. At the moment we are staying friends and he is supporting me though some challenging first months of a new job. I’m not sure what the future holds but it will not be with someone who does not chose me as I chose them 👏🏻 🤗
It’s a tough one but realising you can and will continue with your life and go on to build new things is a reassuring and wonderful thing!
Absolutely 👍🏻 😊
💜❤️❤️❤️❤️
No contact is King 👑 I wish I’d learnt earlier on (in my 20s and 30s) the peace that (eventually) comes with silence
Thinking of you Poorna and hoping your heart heals soon. Beautifully said - “You should never have to convince someone you are worth taking a risk on, when you’ve already offered them entry into the solar system of your life. “
Ah! I feel for you. I'm going through something similar myself right now. There's a woman I've known for a few years in a professional capacity. She broke up with her partner about 6 months ago. So I had an appointment with her a few weeks ago, I asked if she'd like to go for dinner with me and she actually said yes. She's super busy with work and stuff so she said to remind her. So I messaged this week to remind her. Her response took me by suprise as she said that's she's away for a few days with her partner but would love to have dinner with me. I honestly thought she was single, but seems that's not the case. After speaking to a friend about it she said just go for the dinner. So I replied saying when I'm free etc. That's where it's currently at. Now I've not stopped thinking about this for days and still not really sure if I'm doing the right thing. I am 49 years old and want a long term relationship, I guess I'm trying to hold on to the belief it might happen, but the reality is that is probably won't. I have strong feelings for her, but do wonder if it might have been different if I'd asked sooner.
Ooof this is a tough one! I would just be honest Mark - and ask her outright as she may have had mixed signals and thinks it’s a work dinner, a friends dinner even? Or if she does think it’s romantic then I suppose that is problematic for different reasons. I would put your cards on the table as second guessing can be exhausting.
Wise words about not contorting ourselves to fit someone else at our detriment. And spot on about how well-meaning friends in their desire to console you, sometimes end up giving false hope and encouraging you to put up with callous behavior.
Ahhh! You’re always so brilliant. You perfectly articulated so much of me in my 20s. I wrote this one post about how I had this whole breakup rebuttal email in my 20s as if that would make the person go “You know what? This email has made me change my mind.” 🤣😱 So much cringe. But then you hit the nail on the head: that’s what we have seen in films and books so I was emulating that! This post is making so many lightbulbs 💡 go off for me. I’m so so so sad for you, though, that this relationship you wanted didn’t work out and I do hope there’s someone out there who is meant for you. 🥰🫶🏻 Sending love and healing.
Great introspective and self-aware essay. Unconditional love is the goal. You made me wonder to what degree texting has changed the ebb and flow of relationships as opposed to the telephone and letters, which were the communications I grew up with.
Also, if you'll forgive my including some humor about answering machines, this is a classic scene from the movie Swingers. The guy has been told by his friends to wait at least a few days to call the girl he met that night who, crucially, gave hime her number.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU3Pk6oDNRU