Thank you for this, I feel like I could have written it myself! I find that with some people, I'm quite happy to be the organiser, while with others I resent it and have learned to let those plans or even friendships go if they die out naturally. I guess it's to do with other kinds of reciprocity - if I feel like I get something back from a friend in other ways, I don't mind organising, but if I don't, then what's the point.
I also had it highlighted to me last week that I'm definitely not a "go with the flow" person, even less so than most, when I spent a week on a course in a new place, and their approach was very "we'll give you the info when you need it". I did *not* do well with that :'D I wasn't able to relax and enjoy myself until a few days in when I'd worked out what was happening, and even then I kept trying to find out the rest of the programme rather than just wait and see. I'd rather not be like this, it's exhausting, but there we are.
This is such a good point - in terms of the overall reciprocity and how that might make us feel. I’m generally quite good at waiting if someone can manage my expectations but also crucially I trust them. If someone is asking me to wait but I sense they have no sense of what they are doing then I lose it 😂😂
I agree that it needs to be reciprocal, I find it too hard when it isn’t. The only exception is if one or other is going through a hard time which unbalances things for a while
I know a couple of true flows. Most of them don’t see their friends that much and never have people over! It can basically end up that they offer a watered down friendship…
Interesting. (And also sad). As an organiser, I kind of always tell myself that if I leave it, people would step up, but never want to risk testing it. It’s a real quandary in those true ‘flow’ cases, then isn’t it, because if it’s in their true nature - and therefore not personal or a reflection of how they feel towards others - do you actively choose the richer friendship, but accept you have to keep doing the organising, or do you let it slide. (I don’t think there’s a right answer btw!)
I think if you feel they nourish you in ways other than organization (which they are possibly physically incapable of) then you accept them in their flow state? But if you feel under nourished full stop, you adjust your intimacy accordingly. I also think manically organised people can come with their own stresses. I used to be that person and then found 3 kids later that I had to dial down the mass hosting and I started to see a little how someone pressing you for dates and commitment could feel a little claustrophobic too! I have more understanding, basically 🤣
What if there's a third option between "this or that?" I'm a "go with the flow" person turned into an organizer WHO ALSO PROTECTS THEIR FLOW STATE because of how vital it is to me. AND I value and appreciate being the organizer of certain things that have great personal significance for me. I don't organize all the things, neither am I in a "go with the flow" state all the time. This is a form of emotional sobriety for me (learned the hard way, a constantly evolving practice). Resentments are a result of unmet expectations, and unmet expectations are usually rooted in the inability, unwillingness or unawareness that one can make these expectations known.
In other words: making relationships more intentional and explicit by naming our expectations and desires to each other, while letting go of the need to control the others' response, feelings or decision, is key for me. Much of this learning comes from my having untangled myself from hetnormative culture (which exists on unspoken expectations) and moving into intentional styles of relating in queer community. It's been such an eye-opening, life-affirming game-changer, and my relationships, friendships, and inner life are SO much richer for it.
This third option is the everything of navigating all relationships without resentment for me. I still find it challenging though recognising that the third way is the path of personal integrity is major for me aka precisely what you've said about intentionality and explicitness. Ultimately I defer to the fact that the conversation is the relationship -- sometimes I'm possibly communicating too much yet it is the indicator of how much I care and how invested I am in the connection. How this plays into planning things -- from dreaming and conceptualising through to ideation, collaborating, and execution -- is all part of that for me. Love this comment, Rayna!
I’m the organizer in my friend group so I relate to the resentment. If I don’t do it hardly anything happens. When I talked to my therapist about this, she said, why don’t you just stop organizing things and see what happens. What happened was I didn’t see a lot of my friends and then when I did see them they would be like why aren’t we going to brunch anymore w the group all the time. I explained that I was creating space for other ppl to organize but very few of them stepped into this space. During this time in the space that was left open, I made a few new great friends who are organizers and who reach out all the time. And then I realized that some people just aren’t organizers so now I have both kinds of people in my life. I have the people where I organize and I see them and then I have also the people who are reaching out and I’m seeing them on a more regular basis. Everyone is wired differently.
THIS IS ME! I am also on this journey. I am surprised at how much ‘flow’ is feeling like a relief not a free floating anxiety. Thank you for writing this, it felt galvanizing to read
I also feel the resentment at times (mostly when I go ahead and buy the tickets to the thing that someone enthusiastically agreed would be fun and then they can’t go because of lack of planning). I have a friend couple who are always organizing some group event, and they had a beautiful response when I said I appreciated how much energy they spend on bringing friends together. They said a big value for them is community, and they realized early on that having the big community they envisioned would take work, so they feel like putting in the time is a part of their big friendship mission.
Hahah! Sooo awesome. Yes. I’m all about going with the flow as well…. If we could juuuuuuust flow this way a little bit and hey, you there, could you be a little quieter and oh, can we turn the lights down a bit ?
Love the idea of the resentment 🪣 I will keep an eye on that for myself. Great read! 🙌
Oh boy, this rings so true. I am the eldest sibling and usually organise most family things well in advance. My younger sister is very last minute/go with the flow/everything will fall into place and I think we have had to learn to meet in the middle a bit 🤣
Very interesting. I have pulled back from being an organiser too. I’m working far more hours than my friends and family so whilst I enjoy doing some organisation I leave much to others and if things don’t happen I get some me time which I really relish these days ☺️. It takes practice however to relinquish the role of organiser!
Only child here, and guess what?! I’m an organiser! I had a tipping point last year where I was a resentful martyr feeling at everyone’s flow beck and call, always the one who needed to do / plan / organise for everyone else. I’m still learning (hence the hard recognition reading this piece) but I am much better at my boundaries. Thank you for articulating so many thoughts and experiences.
I wonder if birth order affects being able to go with the flow. I’m a third child so you are born into an established family you have to fit in and go with the flow! I’m still practicing being a non-flow person as you can flow in the wrong way and with the wrong people. Autonomy is better!
I have to be proactive in my friendships but I too can feel easily rejected and exhausted when friends leave all the work or arrangements to me, I have to say these friendships fizzled or we have long gaps if I feel worn out, but maybe they are friendship breaks, yes.
The first thing my daughter wanted to do when she turned 18 was to go to ‘spoons with her friends 🫣
I’m more in the middle now - had a similar realisation to you on organising and not starting to resent. It is interesting how that dynamic can be different in different friendship groups. In one group, where I was doing more of the organising, I highlighted it and now the other two actively take turns - my turn to organise what we’re doing. That works well - mind you, I’m the one who’s hose sorted Taylor in Vienna in August 🤣
This spoke to my soul. I saw a reel about how every millennial group has a Nicole and she's the one who organises the present, books the table, makes sure everyone knows what they're bringing. I'm a deep Nicole and I've reached the point where most of closest friends are other Nicoles because it lessens my anxiety. I still have non-Nicole friends they're just harder to pin down.
I've realised that I'm never truly going to be someone who just goes with the flow - there are too many things I'm invested in the outcome of to let that happen 😂
BUT I was an organiser to the extreme and have learnt to dial that down significantly after realising that no matter how much you try to control things, there are very few areas where that can actually be the case. Now I'm using the barometer of 'is it in my control' to help me decide when I need to let go and when I can exert a bit more influence.
Yes. Along with "is it in my control," I've begun to ask, "do I *want* it to be in my control?" The answer more and more is NO, and that keeps my resentment bucket (great image!) from overflowing.
Thank you for this, I feel like I could have written it myself! I find that with some people, I'm quite happy to be the organiser, while with others I resent it and have learned to let those plans or even friendships go if they die out naturally. I guess it's to do with other kinds of reciprocity - if I feel like I get something back from a friend in other ways, I don't mind organising, but if I don't, then what's the point.
I also had it highlighted to me last week that I'm definitely not a "go with the flow" person, even less so than most, when I spent a week on a course in a new place, and their approach was very "we'll give you the info when you need it". I did *not* do well with that :'D I wasn't able to relax and enjoy myself until a few days in when I'd worked out what was happening, and even then I kept trying to find out the rest of the programme rather than just wait and see. I'd rather not be like this, it's exhausting, but there we are.
This is such a good point - in terms of the overall reciprocity and how that might make us feel. I’m generally quite good at waiting if someone can manage my expectations but also crucially I trust them. If someone is asking me to wait but I sense they have no sense of what they are doing then I lose it 😂😂
I agree that it needs to be reciprocal, I find it too hard when it isn’t. The only exception is if one or other is going through a hard time which unbalances things for a while
I’m not sure I believe there are *true* ‘flow’ people - they’re just friends with lots of organisers! 😂
I know a couple of true flows. Most of them don’t see their friends that much and never have people over! It can basically end up that they offer a watered down friendship…
Interesting. (And also sad). As an organiser, I kind of always tell myself that if I leave it, people would step up, but never want to risk testing it. It’s a real quandary in those true ‘flow’ cases, then isn’t it, because if it’s in their true nature - and therefore not personal or a reflection of how they feel towards others - do you actively choose the richer friendship, but accept you have to keep doing the organising, or do you let it slide. (I don’t think there’s a right answer btw!)
I think if you feel they nourish you in ways other than organization (which they are possibly physically incapable of) then you accept them in their flow state? But if you feel under nourished full stop, you adjust your intimacy accordingly. I also think manically organised people can come with their own stresses. I used to be that person and then found 3 kids later that I had to dial down the mass hosting and I started to see a little how someone pressing you for dates and commitment could feel a little claustrophobic too! I have more understanding, basically 🤣
😂😂😂
One of my best mates is a true flow but she's so amazing she's worth it.
🤣
No. I will never be the “flow” person. But, I do have boundaries now as before I did not. I loved this!! Great work.
What if there's a third option between "this or that?" I'm a "go with the flow" person turned into an organizer WHO ALSO PROTECTS THEIR FLOW STATE because of how vital it is to me. AND I value and appreciate being the organizer of certain things that have great personal significance for me. I don't organize all the things, neither am I in a "go with the flow" state all the time. This is a form of emotional sobriety for me (learned the hard way, a constantly evolving practice). Resentments are a result of unmet expectations, and unmet expectations are usually rooted in the inability, unwillingness or unawareness that one can make these expectations known.
In other words: making relationships more intentional and explicit by naming our expectations and desires to each other, while letting go of the need to control the others' response, feelings or decision, is key for me. Much of this learning comes from my having untangled myself from hetnormative culture (which exists on unspoken expectations) and moving into intentional styles of relating in queer community. It's been such an eye-opening, life-affirming game-changer, and my relationships, friendships, and inner life are SO much richer for it.
Great piece, thanks!
This third option is the everything of navigating all relationships without resentment for me. I still find it challenging though recognising that the third way is the path of personal integrity is major for me aka precisely what you've said about intentionality and explicitness. Ultimately I defer to the fact that the conversation is the relationship -- sometimes I'm possibly communicating too much yet it is the indicator of how much I care and how invested I am in the connection. How this plays into planning things -- from dreaming and conceptualising through to ideation, collaborating, and execution -- is all part of that for me. Love this comment, Rayna!
I’m the organizer in my friend group so I relate to the resentment. If I don’t do it hardly anything happens. When I talked to my therapist about this, she said, why don’t you just stop organizing things and see what happens. What happened was I didn’t see a lot of my friends and then when I did see them they would be like why aren’t we going to brunch anymore w the group all the time. I explained that I was creating space for other ppl to organize but very few of them stepped into this space. During this time in the space that was left open, I made a few new great friends who are organizers and who reach out all the time. And then I realized that some people just aren’t organizers so now I have both kinds of people in my life. I have the people where I organize and I see them and then I have also the people who are reaching out and I’m seeing them on a more regular basis. Everyone is wired differently.
THIS IS ME! I am also on this journey. I am surprised at how much ‘flow’ is feeling like a relief not a free floating anxiety. Thank you for writing this, it felt galvanizing to read
I also feel the resentment at times (mostly when I go ahead and buy the tickets to the thing that someone enthusiastically agreed would be fun and then they can’t go because of lack of planning). I have a friend couple who are always organizing some group event, and they had a beautiful response when I said I appreciated how much energy they spend on bringing friends together. They said a big value for them is community, and they realized early on that having the big community they envisioned would take work, so they feel like putting in the time is a part of their big friendship mission.
Hahah! Sooo awesome. Yes. I’m all about going with the flow as well…. If we could juuuuuuust flow this way a little bit and hey, you there, could you be a little quieter and oh, can we turn the lights down a bit ?
Love the idea of the resentment 🪣 I will keep an eye on that for myself. Great read! 🙌
Oh boy, this rings so true. I am the eldest sibling and usually organise most family things well in advance. My younger sister is very last minute/go with the flow/everything will fall into place and I think we have had to learn to meet in the middle a bit 🤣
Very interesting. I have pulled back from being an organiser too. I’m working far more hours than my friends and family so whilst I enjoy doing some organisation I leave much to others and if things don’t happen I get some me time which I really relish these days ☺️. It takes practice however to relinquish the role of organiser!
Only child here, and guess what?! I’m an organiser! I had a tipping point last year where I was a resentful martyr feeling at everyone’s flow beck and call, always the one who needed to do / plan / organise for everyone else. I’m still learning (hence the hard recognition reading this piece) but I am much better at my boundaries. Thank you for articulating so many thoughts and experiences.
I wonder if birth order affects being able to go with the flow. I’m a third child so you are born into an established family you have to fit in and go with the flow! I’m still practicing being a non-flow person as you can flow in the wrong way and with the wrong people. Autonomy is better!
I have to be proactive in my friendships but I too can feel easily rejected and exhausted when friends leave all the work or arrangements to me, I have to say these friendships fizzled or we have long gaps if I feel worn out, but maybe they are friendship breaks, yes.
The first thing my daughter wanted to do when she turned 18 was to go to ‘spoons with her friends 🫣
Ha ha at the age of 18-22 ‘spoons is a magical place of happy hour drinks for - as a woman in my 40s… I could never 😂😂😂😂
It’s hard to argue with two for one cocktails at £7.50 when you’re young but it’s not so appealing now!
I’m more in the middle now - had a similar realisation to you on organising and not starting to resent. It is interesting how that dynamic can be different in different friendship groups. In one group, where I was doing more of the organising, I highlighted it and now the other two actively take turns - my turn to organise what we’re doing. That works well - mind you, I’m the one who’s hose sorted Taylor in Vienna in August 🤣
Saving this to read later. After I organise everyone and everything @Poorna Bell —Deep. Breath.
This spoke to my soul. I saw a reel about how every millennial group has a Nicole and she's the one who organises the present, books the table, makes sure everyone knows what they're bringing. I'm a deep Nicole and I've reached the point where most of closest friends are other Nicoles because it lessens my anxiety. I still have non-Nicole friends they're just harder to pin down.
I've realised that I'm never truly going to be someone who just goes with the flow - there are too many things I'm invested in the outcome of to let that happen 😂
BUT I was an organiser to the extreme and have learnt to dial that down significantly after realising that no matter how much you try to control things, there are very few areas where that can actually be the case. Now I'm using the barometer of 'is it in my control' to help me decide when I need to let go and when I can exert a bit more influence.
Yes. Along with "is it in my control," I've begun to ask, "do I *want* it to be in my control?" The answer more and more is NO, and that keeps my resentment bucket (great image!) from overflowing.
Oo yes to keeping the resentment bucket empty!!