71 Comments

I’ll be 72 yrs old in 4 days. I still feel mentally the same as I did at 30 y.o. For me, the key is to enjoy life, pursue your passions and get out and engage with life. At 45 yo I graduated from a Master’s program, became a nurse practitioner in internal medicine and started a new career. With 3 kids complicating the educational process, but I had a supportive family! Loved it… at age 56 I earned a doctorate, which put a lot of pieces of knowledge together.

I don’t do transitory trends or believe popular media regarding what women “ should be”. March to your own unique drum…

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Patti I adore this - thank you so much for sharing this!!

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I went through a season of this last year. I felt incredibly anxious and guilty and depressed at the state of my life - childless, marriage-less renting. Part of it I think was peri-menopause but also the weight of years of being culturally shamed about not being married or having children, still renting 'at my age' and years of shaming myself. The weight of that idea of that I hadn't achieved that 'perfect' life. I have a good job, good family, and friends supportive relationships at church, I have so much going for me but I think I collapsed under the extra stress. I had to slowly unpick the lies from the truth and remind myself of what my core values are, and what I consider success apart from anyone else. A process of life-grief perhaps, maybe we should see it as that and allow it the required space and work.

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I saw this incredible post by a woman in her fifties on TikTok saying that the life we have now is mostly what we designed for ourselves five years ago - and I loved it so much. It may not be the milestones we imagined and there certainly is grief around things that will never be or just aren’t, but there is also so much amazing stuff too

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I also found following over- 40 accounts like fly, hip and ageless really refreshing to have images and stories of normal older woman thriving. A real antidote to the crazy beauty standards we are fed.

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You asked us not to comment comparing your age to ours, but let me tell you - as I approach 70, long since I was launched into menopause due to chemo, I realize I am no different than I was at 44. Very different life than yours, but the level of angst sounds the same. The only thing that takes it away, albeit briefly, is knowing I am giving back through volunteering. I was on the board of two not-for-profits and a charity when I was your age and have continued to be involved in community care and animal rescue, and create and administer websites for volunteer organizations. It gets me out of my own head and puts me in a whole different world.

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Thank you so much for this! And I found what you have shared very helpful - my comment at the end is more referring the kind of thing that people say which is ‘oh 44 is young!’ (Basically dismissing your concerns) or ‘wait till you get to X age, it’s worse’. Your comment is full of insight 💜

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I am 56 and on my way out of menopause - by which I mean, with tweaked HRT, I feel normal again - after several horrible years. What I remember most about my mid 40s was the realisation that I was over half way through my life. As a friend of mine said, their question had changed from 'What am I doing with my life?' to 'What am I doing with the rest of my life?' I gradually stopped shaping my life around my achievements (my Dad was an Olympic coach, so I grew up surrounded by athletes training to be their very best - no pressure) to what brings me joy and feels like good work. Old habits die hard and it definitely didn't happen overnight, but my belief, from studying the Heroine's Journey, among other things, is that as women we chase the big goals, only to find out they aren't worth the paper they were written on. And that is the big win. And, with a certain amount of experience in our back pockets and invisible to most men, we can get on with becoming serious badasses.

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I love this so much Tina, thank you! A 62 year old friend said something similar and it sounds like there is great power in that realisation

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Thanks so much for sharing this. I feel like we are generally so thoroughly conditioned to keep asking, "What next?" even at the times when we could do with just staying still. I also think it's drilled into us that longevity - in any/every area of life - is the goal. Neither of these approaches seem helpful to me, at least not without a lot of questioning along the way.

But, from time to time, it does feel necessary to throw ourselves into the air and see where we land, and I guess a mid-life crisis is basically that. It can take time to figure out what needs to change, but there does seem to be something that's causing you an an itch. From one child-free single woman to another, as corny as it sounds, the best thing you can do is trust yourself. You'll figure it out, and it will be great. (But first: mid-life crisis.)

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I’m hoping that what the next stage means is a really genuine clarifying of ‘what do I want my life to look like and how do I make that happen’

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I hear you. I can really relate to the feeling of not wanting to have the same conversations or feel a certain way about the same things day in, day out. For me, a lot of it (OK, all of it) was work-related and when I went freelance a bit over a year ago a fair few people thought I'd gone mad (I went freelance once before, it was an actual disaster). But, "What do I want my life to look like and how do I make that happen?" ... those are basically the only questions that matter at first, so you're staring from a good place. (And I'm really fucking glad I went freelance.)

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This. The "what's next?"

I spend more time planning for what's next, rather than enjoying "what's now". I've spent the last 20 years growing a business, and now as I think about retirement I actually worry about how my driven self will reside with my living in the moment self

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Age related timelines are total BS - they do nothing but make us feel like total failures - and I think the very worst in your 40s (although my late thirtysomething friends all seem to be in meltdown too, so, maybe it's life under a starless sky as you so gloriously put it). FWIW I think there's a fake finality about your 40s that makes you feel the weight of the pressure. Could be menopause, could be all manner of other things, but keep the faith, and keep talking x

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Thanks Sam! I feel like I am in a weird limbo - eg I feel I should be in peri-menopause but have yet to experience any symptoms, and in my bones I don't feel like that stage has begun for me just yet, and at the same time there is - as you say - a fake finality about our 40s and I do think you're right that the previous menopause narrative has something to do with that. The sense that it's over when of course it isn't.

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It so isn't. You may not experience perimenopause til your 50s or even at all. But I get what you mean. My 40s were really tough - work, meno, mental health, but I think above all expectation (my own and other people's). what your friend said about how much you're helping other people really struck a chord, that's great and all, but who's helping you?

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Childless and 51 here. This feels very relatable. In so many ways, life gets better with age. We know ourselves and have some skills, tools, and knowledge for navigating it all. And in many ways it is also hard - there's fear, regret, missed opportunity, and the alarmingly fast passage of time. I try to come back to trust when I feel lost - trust that it's unfolding as it's meant to. Some days it is easier than others. Appreciating your honest share Poorna.

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Thank you for sharing! There’s also a strange comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this x

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I hope to offer you the sparkle of silver linings. Everything which makes me happy now, and which gives me meaning and purpose, I learned since the age of 45. I'm fifty-seven now. (I live alone from choice; I cherish solitude.) I think getting older is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. So, so many fewer idiotic things to fret over. And all the wonderful experience and accumulated knowledge to draw on. You have magnificence in front of you. I hope you enjoy the next ten years as much as I have, and all the years ahead.

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I adore this!!! Thank you and what a wonderful and comforting thing this is to hear 💜

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I’m 46, single and childless at the moment. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up but I focus on collecting pieces - like a jigsaw puzzle, I don’t have the box to see the image they will eventually make but I’m confident there will be one that can make use of them all. Am still getting involved with new ventures, recently did a Philosophy MA & now looking at a PhD. Totally understand where you’re at - it’s a constant balancing act for me of being really happy with some aspects of my life and still wishing other things were different. I guess all we can do is keep being true to ourselves 😊 I really enjoy reading your work so thanks for that 🙏🏻

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Hi - I love your writing. I’m 29 and am in a huge quarter-life crisis - half my twenties have been this - and it’s so nice to read women who are older than me who have boldly carved out their own path. Half of my twenties have been anguished and quite frankly, depressed - it’s been a chaotic decade. High highs and very low lows. I’m hoping my 30s will be a little smoother. Anyway, I’m always soothed when I read 40-something women tell me it gets more peaceful than this (my 44 year old therapist also reassures me of this) - so thank you. I think more of us admitting that we don’t know what the fuck is going on and sharing our fears and vulnerabilities is so healing and human and necessary. It makes me audibly sigh with relief. To me - you are goals! A self-sufficient woman who has forged a career as a WRITER! Who gets to travel and live alone and date emotionally healthy humans? Congratulations! I don’t envision myself with children and do dream of writing books and a creative career - so you are a signpost for me - thank you. I do hear you on what you’re navigating - and I think you’re brave. I hope more women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s + write about what it means to age gracefully or authentically and buck the status quo and oppressive patriarchal standards! In short: you’re an icon. ❤️‍🔥

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Ahhh Laura thank you!! A lovely lovely warm fire of encouragement xx

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Thank you for sharing all this. It resonants with me a lot. I'm child free, soon to be 43 and, to be honest, I've never felt so restless or ill at ease. For the first time I'm not striving to be more successful or pursuing the next career goal. I've got to where I wanted to be and in some ways that makes me feel a bit lost because I don't know what's next. It requires me to really think about what I want and how I want to live, and use that to guide me rather than just go for the next obvious rung on the ladder. It's been really heartening to read from other women here about how they have navigated this time. It's actually made me more excited for the potential opportunities still to come.

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This resonates so hard Stephanie! You’ve articulated something I’ve been struggling with - I love my career and while there is more I want to do I am mostly happy with it and achieved more than I dreamed of, and that strangely has made me feel lost. So much better to be guided by what life should look like and how I want to live.

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77 still evolving, joyfully. I love the saying 'come what may'. I look forward to new outlooks and adventures...

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Oh my goodness, at 43 I feel this all the time. I'm flit from two extremes. Feeling content and confident in myself and my life, in ways I never did, to feeling incredibly unsure and a little lost. I have direction and a plan which I'm fulfilling but then I'm like is this really what I want? Can I even do this or be this? Maybe I should be striving for something else completely? Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I'm not enough. I'm not sure why the panic sets in.

I thought it was me alone that felt this. Like I'm some oddity in the world and everyone else has their s**t together. I have no answers except it's good not to be alone.

If I've learnt anything, it's that we can make changes and pursue different things at any age. Maybe that's what we wrestle with. The myriad of choice available and the choices we leave by the wayside by the decisions we make, which I feel you've talked about and I've just repeated here. I honestly don't know.

I've just been accepted on to a primary PGCE teacher training course, starting next year. I'll be 46 by the time I actually start teaching and that's just the nature of life now. That's still a good 20 year career there, if that's what I choose and even now I'm like thinking but what else can I do with that and where else can I go. It's like an endless cycle of pushing and pulling. Sorry this is no help whatsoever but I'm definitely with you on this one!

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Not at all - was definitely helpful! And love that you are starting something new 💜

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I’m around your age and widowed with two kids. I have a note in my phone where I put screenshots of stories from women who are single and finding the positives and freedom in it. I need the encouragement and the ability to dream up all kinds of lives and futures for myself. It’s hard to see beyond what’s right in front of me which seems to be endless streams of mom-life and watching all my friends having time to connect with their husbands again after years of raising littles. Between the fits of grief and jealousy, I’m trying to find contentment in my little life with my sweet girls and look forward to a time when maybe I can make my wants more of a priority.

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You sound incredible - even though you know it’s tough right now, the amount of compassion and hope you hold for your future self is inspiring. I have no doubt it will lead you to a better place than you are in right now, and perhaps not what you thought would be the case in the past, but a different and rich future nonetheless x

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Thank you for that. ☺️

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Just wanted to say that sounds really tough and it sounds like you’re doing a great job - hope you can find that time for yourself in the not too distant future

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I just celebrated my 78th birthday this week. I’m so happy with the choices I’ve made along the way. My husband and I started off together in the medical field. Going up the ladder 🪜 rung by rung. As I was having the children he was ahead of me. I loved my job and stopped moving up. I know he would have rather been at my level, but once you move up, it’s hard to step down.

He passed away at age 51 and we had 5 children, the youngest was 9. I would never want to relive that year. But coming out the other side I realized that all my choices lead to my being a strong independent woman. Over the years I have changed how much I work so that I’m free to do other things. So my life stays the same and constantly changes. One little job I picked up was working as an interim parent for an adoption agency. When a parent decides to give up their baby, I’m the one taking the newborn home. I keep them until they are permanently adopted. It’s been a lot of fun and I get to meet some amazing people. So far I’ve had 60 newborn babies in my care. I’m still working part time and people think I’m funny because I still need babysitters and my pediatrician is on speed dial.

Over all, I’m very satisfied with my life. It has had ups and downs but mostly ups. 🍼

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Thank you Poorna. That means a lot. 🥹 Thanks for putting your words out into the world. I’ve drawn inspiration from them.

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For me life is about finding a purpose (something you like doing) & a way of being that is authentic. As in, you like it. We look around and compare with others and often feel like we aren’t enough. We are enough. Always. We just need to live our truth - whatever that is. The saying stay in your own lane precludes us from trying new activities. So try. But be truthful to what you know you like too. Knowing yourself and living in alignment with your desires is everything.

There is no prize for 1.8 children, a mortgage and other traditional wants. There is a prize for living authentically, you do you & love it!!

I feel more peaceful than ever but perimenopause then menopause were hard to navigate, anxiety, foggy mind, but at 55 out the other side and currently sitting on a beach following yoga in Thailand waiting for my coconut water! Loving my choices.

Love your writing, thank you.

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I remember feeling freaked out about turning the ripe old age of 26. Which is, of course, ridiculous now looking back but this was the noughties when the X Factor had the last chance saloon category of over 25s with VTs of 26 and 27 year olds talking about their 'last chance to make it'. There was also the vibe that if you weren't settled by the time you were 30 there was something wrong with you. Since my 30s I've tried to embrace the 'you'll never be this young again so do the thing' mantra.

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Omg I remember that category, so toxic !

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